The No-Sleep Entry

I am writing this blog on literally zero sleep. Which isn't really a big deal, but I was up half the night being drunk watching Golden Girls, and the other half I spent puking my brains out for six or seven hours. 

I've spent most of my life functioning on little or zero sleep, but I would love to just crawl into bed and pass out right now. Unfortunately, I have lots of work to do- job applications, homework, articles- so I know that I should fight my urge to nap and just do what I've got to do. 

I really wish I wouldn't get so sick when I drink. I started my night off last night with some beloved Jager shots, and then it was all out of my hands from there. But hey, I bring it upon myself, so I really can't complain. 

I just wish this weekend was over with already. I'm tired of stressing out and being worried, I'm tired of missing my friends. I thought drinking myself into oblivion would have made the time fly by faster, but really, time is still slowly crawling on, and I am just tired, empty and hungover. 

Vegas, Peanut Butter, and Birthday cards

The title of this post probably doesn't make sense upon first read, but in reality, my life is just a series of unconnected events connected somehow. So as Kel would say...awwwww, here it goes!

A small group of friends of mine leave for Vegas today. I hope that Vegas treats them right and I sincerely hope they return home STD-free and with tons of cash. I wish I was old enough to party it up in Vegas. I fully plan on celebrating my 21st birthday there because really, I can't think of a better way to turn the big 2-1. The thought of going makes me very, very excited. 

In other news, I was talking to my friends Sarah and Sema in the dining hall today, and I made Sarah laugh so hard that chunks of English Muffin- like legitimate chunks- came out of her nose. It was so funny and so disgusting. I feel a little guilty- all she can taste and smell is peanut butter, which makes sense because it was basically dripping out of her nose along with the big chunks of bread, but I still feel bad. I was just waiting for her to sneeze out the rest of her breakfast, too; I was almost hoping some eggs didn't end up on the table. It would've been like a really fascinating, really gross magic trick. 

My friend Keith's birthday is coming up. Currently, he is serving over in Iraq, doing his Marine thing until about Easter. I can't wait until he comes home. I hope he doesn't hate me, though. Things between our groups of friends are dramatically different now than they were when he left, and I know some of it, if not a lot of it,  has to do with me. But things change, and hopefully he will understand that. 

I have classes in a couple hours. So far, I have had SO much free time this semester. Although it's been glorious, it has been bittersweet. Having too much time makes me think about stuff, and when I think about stuff, I REALLY overthink stuff, and it just makes me crazy. And let's be serious, I'm fairly sure I'm crazy enough as it is.

F my L

I have to come right out and say it: today was not the best day.

Last night, I was hoping very hard for classes to be canceled because I couldn't wait to just sleep in, and though it was glorious being able to shut off my alarm clock, the day wasn't as happy as it was originally cracked up to be. 

I started the day off right- breakfast with some Conc ladies, and we chatted, listened to some tunes and made some collages in the hallway while I sipped on SoCo and Cranberry Juice...at noon. 

All day I was waiting for a phone call I never got, which really sucked. I had semi-plans to go out tonight, and because of the weather and the non-existent phone call, I don't think I am going to.

Something feels very wrong, and I can't figure out why. A few days ago, I posted a blog about how I was feeling very lucky and fortunate and happy, and I'm wondering if I am finally getting what I deserve, and that's why things feel so bad right now. 

I keep having to deal with issues via Facebook and text messaging, which is also a reason I may be in a bad mood. I mean, technology is amazing, but I feel like there are people and situations you should not address that way. Fortunately, I have a little more free time this semester to deal with things thoroughly. I was hoping to fill with a job and happiness, but it looks like neither of those things will be happening now. 

I'm going to crawl into my bed and try hard not to think about things. Maybe that will help.

Oh, Connector

Oh, the Connector. 

My school newspaper drives me crazy. Most of the time, it feels like I put SO much time, effort and work into the stupid newspaper and no one cares. But as much work as the damn thing is, in the end, nothing else really treats me so right. 

We just held our first meeting of 2009, our first meeting of the semester and it was great. A lot of new folks showed up, which is usually the case in the beginning of each semester, but I honestly think these people are going to stick around. 

This year, we are really slacking in writers, and the staff is quite small, but aside from a few situations, the staff has gotten really close. My fellow Connector-ites and I have had more laughs in that office than I can even count. 

In the past few months, we have experienced the most awful, ridiculous situations that we are forced to laugh at; if we don't, we would cry very, very hard.

 Some of the people we have had to deal with, on both professional and personal levels, make it all worthwhile. A lot of these stories are definitely "you-just-had-to-be-there" ones, but my god, the laughs. The memories. The times. 

Connector, you have brought me some irreplaceable moments. 

I hope this semester is even better than the last. 

<3

(Since we are on the topic of hoping, I am TOTALLY banking on a snow day tomorrow!)

Boo, School

12 hours from now, I will be sitting in my History of American Musical class, and I am absolutely dreading it.

I usually love school, but lately I have been feeling very very anti-education. I don't want to be here, at UMass Lowell. I love my room and my roommate, but there are little things about the dorms I just can't stand. I hate how tiny my bed is, I hate that my neighbors are always extremely loud, I hate that when I get drunk and need to vomit, I have to do it in a public stall. 

I'm tired of taking stupid classes that mean nothing to me. And I'm tired of eating at the damn dining hall. Over break, I really enjoyed being with my mom and babysitting my nephews all the time, and I hate being so far away. 

I was so sure that I wanted to stay in Lowell for the summer, and although I do love the area, a part of me feels like I don't want to be in these dorms any longer. 

I don't need where my head will be come May- romantically speaking, academically speaking, emotionally speaking- so I shouldn't try to decide what I'll do with my summer now. It just feels like time is flying by so fast that before I know it, it will be June, and I am going to wonder why I didn't plan ahead. 

And I'm still so nervous for classes tomorrow!!!

My Girls

No, this isn't at all related to the Temptations song. (Although I do love the Temptations.)

I have been feeling really sick the last few days. I don't know what's going on with my throat, but it's not feeling good. I've spent the last hour or so laying in my bed with an coffee and a Cosmo magazine. I've got Sex & the City on my T.V. and I am texting my friends Lynchie and Amanda to discuss my plans for tonight. I realized, amongst my lazy multitasking, that I LOVE this. I really do love being a girl. 

My whole life, I hung out with mostly boys. There was a brief period in middle school when I had five fabulous girlfriends, but once high school hit, we all went out separate ways. (And when I say separate, I mean we went in VERY different directions.) But for most of the time, I was around boys.

Way back in the day I was around the hockey guys. And then the St. Peters Crew. (I miss this group so much. <3)>

I had lots of fun in these testosterone-filled days, I did. I can't help but smile when I think about creeping to the castle in Cambridge Cemetery, or spending nights camping out on the baseball field, or riding around on bike pegs between Somerville and NC. 

BUT. As much as fun as it was, I am happy to say that I have finally the perfect blend of friends. Now, I am very very lucky to have such great girls in my life. No one understands the highs and lows of love like my girlfriends, and I don't laugh with people like I do with them. 

So, in my luxuriously lazy Saturday, I would just like to express my gratitude to all the fabulous females I have in my life that make me feel so damn good. 

<3

Lady Luck

I believe in karma. 

I always thought that if you do something bad, bad things will happen to you. 

A few weeks ago, I made a decision that brought me independence, but hurt some one very close to me. A part of me feels good knowing that I made a choice based off of honesty, but a part of me wonders if putting his happiness before mine, even if it meant I was lying, would have been the "right' thing to do. The damage is done now, and I guess I'll never know what I should have done. 

I've realized that in relationships, serious relationships anyway, somebody always has to end up hurting. 

Taylor Swift (yeah, I know, right?) says it best in her song "Breathe":

"People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out

Nothing we can say will save us from the fallout.."

So here is my current dilemma with this thing called karma. I broke this boy's heart; I am the bad person in this situation. I feel like I should be punished. This is not the first time I've hurt some one. It's never intentional, but it's just the way things seem to go for me. So why, if I am a repeat offender heartbreaker, shouldn't I be punished?

But I'm not being punished, not  at all. In fact, things have been going swimmingly for me lately. I have been catching up with old friends, resting, and generally just enjoying life. I'm happy, and overall, life is just been good. But why? Am I being rewarded for being honest? 

I'm scared that everything is going to change and my world will come crashing down on me.