This isn't interesting at all

It's hard to not indulge in negative feelings when you're already down, so just bear with me. 

First of all, I'm suffering from wicked hormonal problems because, well, I'm a girl and once a month this happens to us. (I know that's probably TMI, but whatever, you can deal with it). 

Secondly, I am just so tired. But I can't sleep. Last night, I gave up a night out with friends to stay home and sleep in my biggish bed at home so I could get a lot of rest. But it didn't happen, and I can't figure out why. My body is exhausted physically and my mind is tired emotionally, so you would think I would just fall asleep. But after 2 shots of Nyquil and 2 natural herb sleeping pills later, I still found myself wide awake, staring at the damn TV.

It's 8 p.m. on a Friday night and I am soooo tired. Nothing sounds more appealing to me right then downing a nice vodka and cranberry, popping in a CSI DVD and going to sleep for a good twelve hours. I tried to nap after classes but the damn marching band kids practice on Friday afternoons so I could not. I am going out dancing tonight, at a gay club with my gay friend, and I honestly hope it's as fun as I'm anticipating. Life's been a little emotionally staggering lately and I could use a good picker-upper. 

Tomorrow night is MetalFest, and even though I was originally planning on going to the festivities for the entire day, I don't foresee that happening. I am going with a friend, who is so hot and cold to me; when we get along, we get along really good, but sometimes- most of the time, actually- he's just such a prick and I literally want to hit him. 

And then it will be Sunday, and I have to see a person I promised myself I'd never let myself see or speak to again. Ugh. FML?

3 Questions

I can sum it all up in three questions, really. 

I don't like to read into things too much, but unfortunately, I have this unstoppable tendency to overanalyze everything.

And so I've realized that all my emotions I've felt in the past four months can really be condensed into just three simple questions. So here is where I've been harboring all my wonders and whines, my thoughts and theories, my hopes and hauntings in these three simple questions. 

1. Where is this going?

I had to ask myself this in the beginning because I wasn't really sure what to expect. I liked not knowing, though. He was unpredictable and I always felt uneasy around him, but in a good way, though. Things were simple: I sort of liked it when we kissed, and sometimes I liked it when he called. Then days would go by and I wouldn't hear from him, and I liked that, too; I didn't know if I'd see him again, or when we'd talk. But I did know that I wanted it to happen. 

I wasn't even sure if I found him attractive. When I looked at him, my heart didn't beat faster, I didn't feel dizzy, I knew I barely liked him. But something kept me there, and deep inside me, I knew I wanted to venture into this place I wasn't really sure I should go. 

2. What's going on here?

Fast forward a while, and suddenly I was trapped. Days would go by without a word from him, and instead of liking the chase like I used to, I'd feel paranoid and panicky that it was over.And then sure enough, he would enter my life again as if nothing had happened, and I'd feel foolish for being worried 

Because at this point, I was sure he was attractive, and I loved when we kissed and I hated not talking to him. Suddenly, my heart beat faster when I was around him, and I felt dizzy just when I heard his name and I knew that I certainly did like him. . 

And then it happened again. He'd leave, and I could barely remember what he really looked like anymore; it had been weeks since I tasted his kiss. But still, he'd eventually call and then I'd sigh with relief, crawl back into his arms and be thankful that everything was alright- for now. 

3. What the hell happened?

Two weeks went by without a single word from him. The last thing I told him was pivotal, and I prepared myself to hear a hard truth. Instead, I got no response, which hit me even harder. I thought I'd be okay. I figured I'd use the age-old trick of out of sight, out of mind to get over him. 

But then I did see him, and I didn't expect it, and it nearly knocked me off my feet. My heart almost exploded and I felt dizzy I had to sit down, and I knew then and there that there was a chance I fell for his lines, and it call came crashing back. And he smiled at me and talked in his "everything's normal now" tone he has perfected, and I said nothing. 

And now, everything stopped- the dates, the kisses, the happiness, the calls, the texts, the jokes, the love that could have been- all just sort of faded away. 

I never knew where it came from. I didn't know what to do with it when it was here. And now, I have no idea where it went, which is the hardest thing of all to swallow.

Back from the dead

I haven't written a new blog in FOREVER- I apologize to all you fans out there. (Yes, all three of you.)

Today probably isn't the best day to write a new entry to be honest. It's a rainy Saturday, and I've been doing layout all day, which isn't terrible- but needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods.

Things have been going...well, they've been going lately. 

Tomorrow is Easter, and I have to go home to spend time with family. I love my family, and I do miss them, but I would rather just sleep in here in Lowell. I have a long research paper due on Monday (or Tuesday, if I am really incapable), so I would love to just stay here and get it done. 

Tonight, I'm going to a friend's show up in Manchester. I'm not looking forward to the drive up there, but going out will be a nice change of scenery. I totally got blown off last night, so a part of me thinks it will be nice to go out and have a few drinks with friends. Too bad the person who blew me off is best friends with the group I' m hanging with tonight. 

Intervention

Intervention is like the saddest show ever. 

I never really have time to just sit back and really watch TV when I'm at school, but I came back to my house in Cambridge tonight, curled up on the couch with my sister and some chinese food, and indulged in some Intervention time. (After I finished my 3+ hours of stupid homework I had to do, of course). 

The show gets to me every time. It's just so real. I'm sure this isn't very blog-friendly, but I have an aunt who I love very much, and she has become really dependent on prescription drugs in the past two years. After my grandmother died, April 8th 2007 (it's funny I still remember that date), her problem escalated, and she's not even a real person anymore. She doesn't leave her house; she hasn't been to work (she works at a hospital, nonetheless) for over 4 months. 

My mother, who was her best friend her whole life, doesn't talk to her anymore; they had a falling out concerning my grandmother after her death, when everyone's emotions were still very fragile. The thing that kills me about this is that I know that my grandmother is looking down from heaven and feeling sad about the situation. My aunt (who is not my blood relative, my grandmother did raise her) has no family but us; she has one son who doesn't talk to her anymore and her brothers are dying away one by one. She has no one and no one in my family but my sister can even talk to her; she won't really let anyone in. 

It's hard because I am away at school most of the time so I never really invest any time in seeing her, either. Last time I did, though, she was a size 6- before that, the last time I saw her she was a 22! How does anyone lose over 150 pounds in less than a year? It's horrifying. 

My sister and I are construing a plan to hold an intervention with her. It probably sounds corny and stupid, but we are hoping to get most of our family in one room with her and ask her to get some help. 

I talked to my dad about it, and he told me that if she doesn't kick her addiction soon, he can guarantee she won't be alive by Christmas. That thought terrifies me.

One Hour

I've got one hour to go. 

At 8 I'm making a change (hopefully) that will make life a little better. (Hopefully). 

Wish me luck!

59 minutes to go. 

5 Minute post

I've only got about 5 minutes to write this post, but since I've been severely slacking this week, I thought I'd give it a shot.

In a few minutes I'm leaving for the Hockey East finals tournament- my beloved hockey team made the cut! I'm so proud of my Riverhawk boys. We deserve it.

We were down to the final 4 with Northeastern, BU, BC... all $40,00+ schools. And then little ole UMass Lowell just jumped in there and now it's down to us and BU.

I'm so excited for the game- last night was such a thrill, and I hope to do it once again tonight.

After the game last night, I broughy my best friend from home to a party. This group of friends- my Drive-By/Summoned friends (they are called that because those are the bands they are a part of), are very outrageous people. And I love them so much. But my friend from home, they aren't really her people. But fortunately, there are things like drugs and alcohol that make everybody friends, so all in all, it wasn't a horrible night.

I love nights like last night, though, because being the only sober person in the house, I got to hear some pretty crazy confessions. Friends, both new and old, were telling me things I would have never guessed in a million years, and some things were talked about and happened that probably shouldn't have (none of which involving me of course), but I can't help but secretly enjoy it. I love that life is so surprising sometimes, and I love the fact that while things can sometimes seem so miserable, there really is always a silver lining.

Just F.Y.I

I didn't forget about my blog. 

It just hurts too much to write about what I'm thinking. 

I'll try again tomorrow.