Blogging from Amish Country

Yup.

It's true.

I kind of fell off the face of the blog-related earth for a while being superbusy with my summer job and all, and I figured it was time to get back into the groove of blogging again.

So here I am!

Right now, I'm in good ole Amish Country in Pennsylvania. It smells like horse poop everywhere I go, because there are horses and their buggies everywhere I go.

I'm in a town called Bird-in-Hand, right outside of Intercourse. It cracks me up every time.

I wish I had more to say, but I am exhausted from the 6 hour ride here. (But I should probably point out, I didn't do any driving!)

Exhaustion

I can't remember a time in my life where I've felt exhaustion like I am now.

Everyone warned me going into my current Orientation Leader job that it would be a very long, tiring process, and even though sessions haven't even begun yet, I understand exactly what everyone means now.

We've been working it seems non-stop for a week straight now, and it's all been very, very fun. It really is amazing the level of bonding that is occurring between such a seemingly different group of people. It's hard because already I can tell that there are some people on staff with me that I don't click well with due to personality differences. Even so, I know that I only have to deal with these people on a professional level, and although I would love to be the best of friends with everyone, that goal is unrealistic.

Tonight is the first night this week that we don't have "in building time" to do work. But because we all have to be up at 6 AM tomorrow to work at Commencement (graduation), I am most likely going to be asleep by 9:30 p.m, with any luck.

Ich bin allein.

For those of you who don't speak German that well, the title of this blog means "I am alone". 

This won't be an emo entry, I swear. I don't mean alone in the relationship, emotional sense (even though I am! ha). I am alone, physically right now.

I moved into my new room, the place that's going to be my home for the next two months. 

It's funny because I know that 2 months should SEEM like a long time, but it doesn't feel that way at all. I look on a calender, and I just KNOW that this summer is going to to fly by. Pretty soon, that September air will roll around once again and I know it's time to get into school mode. 

I'm so excited for the summer, and I can honestly say I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.  It seems that the past two summers, I had people in my life that were hindering me from looking forward to it; a boyfriend I knew I wouldn't see as much as I like, a friend who I know would interrupt things between other friends. But this summer, I've got some amazing people living with me here in Lowell and I can FINALLY say goodbye to the bad influences and bad people I tend to gravitate to back home in Boston. 

I still have so much unpacking to do, I should get some rest now. <3

I'm going to implode

It has been absolutely forever since I've written this thing. Like I always say, I'm going to start updating more often. Hopefully, this time I mean it though. 

I took my last final of 2008-2009 today, and I am thrilled. I'm so relieved and worried for it to be summer. I'm SO ready to stop having to waste my brain capacity retaining information I don't give a crap about, but at the same time, I'm nervous for what the summer may (or may not) hold. 

It sort of hit me today; summer has begun. I spent the day at the beach with some friends, and it was amazing. Aside from the ocean being like, negative million degrees, it was beautiful: not a single cloud in the sky, not too hot, not too crowded. It was amazing.

This summer, I'm working for UML as an Orientation Leader. Tomorrow, I kind of start my job. We have a day-long leader retreat that I'm going to, which should be fun. 

I think I would enjoy it more if I wasn't battling a sore throat. =)

New York Aftermath

Sorry, kids for the wait once again.

 My real life has suddenly become fairly busy and I haven't gotten around to  blogging. I need to invest in some type of fancy phone I can use so I can tweet and blog my little heart out wherever I go. 

Anyways, I got back last weekend after a couple days in New York with some Connector kids. NYC was awesome.

There was no real drama, I got see a lot of cool sites I've never seen before, and best of all, we met Darnell. 

Now Darnell was no ordinary New York bum: no, Darnell was a special, toothless man who will forever be engrained in my heart. 

Speaking of hearts, I also saw Alkaline Trio right now (I'm subtly referencing their heart/skull logo), and it treated me out. Me and my boy Alan got some King Cobra 40's, saw some Saves the Gay and had a good old time. 

Sometimes my life is so great. I don't say it enough. =)

I have an EPIC research paper due Wednesday night thought, and after 4:30 tomorrow night, I'll be long gone from any time of academic mode. (It's Cinco de Mayo; I'm getting margaritas, and then going to a non-Cinco de Mayo party). So, yeah. That's that. I should go work on my paper now. 

I wonder what's going to happen...

..tonight/tomorrow. 

I got stood up last night (per usual) and was told I was going to have it "made it up to me". I wonder if it will actually happen. I already blogged about this in my last entry, but I just don't get why friends do this to each other. 

Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go to a Red Sox with a different friend, one I have a little more complicated history with, and because I haven't spoken to him in like two weeks, I wonder if he's even still taking me. 

It's not going to be a good week if I get bailed on twice in 48 hours. 

On another note, I'm doing some work on my computer right now and all I can smell is cigarette smoke and it's driving me crazy. I hate cigarettes so much. I've never smoked one, but I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that to themselves. They just smell so bad. 

Although, I do have to admit that the smell is actually growing on me. It must be from hanging around so many smokers lately. It seems like smoking has caught on again, like it's 1989 again or something. 

In case you haven't noticed, I'm totally just talking about nothing while I'm waiting for a friend to meet me for lunch. Hopefully she won't bail, too! Ha ha

those three small words

If "I love you" are the three small words women love to hear, then "if you want" are the three words women absolutely hate.

Nothing- seriously, nothing- is more infuriating then when a friend or boyfriend or invites you somewhere and follows it up with a "if you want". 

The thing is, when you invite us somewhere, we get excited. We think, "wow he wants to hang out with me, that's cool!" But then BOOM, we're hit with the "if you want" bomb,  which really translates into "if you have to."

I just don't understand why people do this; it's men, it's women, it's shitty people everywhere. Why invite a person somewhere if you don't really want them there? And, if you honestly don't have a preference, then just simply say something like, "Just let me know if you are coming by". 

So stupid. 

This isn't interesting at all

It's hard to not indulge in negative feelings when you're already down, so just bear with me. 

First of all, I'm suffering from wicked hormonal problems because, well, I'm a girl and once a month this happens to us. (I know that's probably TMI, but whatever, you can deal with it). 

Secondly, I am just so tired. But I can't sleep. Last night, I gave up a night out with friends to stay home and sleep in my biggish bed at home so I could get a lot of rest. But it didn't happen, and I can't figure out why. My body is exhausted physically and my mind is tired emotionally, so you would think I would just fall asleep. But after 2 shots of Nyquil and 2 natural herb sleeping pills later, I still found myself wide awake, staring at the damn TV.

It's 8 p.m. on a Friday night and I am soooo tired. Nothing sounds more appealing to me right then downing a nice vodka and cranberry, popping in a CSI DVD and going to sleep for a good twelve hours. I tried to nap after classes but the damn marching band kids practice on Friday afternoons so I could not. I am going out dancing tonight, at a gay club with my gay friend, and I honestly hope it's as fun as I'm anticipating. Life's been a little emotionally staggering lately and I could use a good picker-upper. 

Tomorrow night is MetalFest, and even though I was originally planning on going to the festivities for the entire day, I don't foresee that happening. I am going with a friend, who is so hot and cold to me; when we get along, we get along really good, but sometimes- most of the time, actually- he's just such a prick and I literally want to hit him. 

And then it will be Sunday, and I have to see a person I promised myself I'd never let myself see or speak to again. Ugh. FML?

3 Questions

I can sum it all up in three questions, really. 

I don't like to read into things too much, but unfortunately, I have this unstoppable tendency to overanalyze everything.

And so I've realized that all my emotions I've felt in the past four months can really be condensed into just three simple questions. So here is where I've been harboring all my wonders and whines, my thoughts and theories, my hopes and hauntings in these three simple questions. 

1. Where is this going?

I had to ask myself this in the beginning because I wasn't really sure what to expect. I liked not knowing, though. He was unpredictable and I always felt uneasy around him, but in a good way, though. Things were simple: I sort of liked it when we kissed, and sometimes I liked it when he called. Then days would go by and I wouldn't hear from him, and I liked that, too; I didn't know if I'd see him again, or when we'd talk. But I did know that I wanted it to happen. 

I wasn't even sure if I found him attractive. When I looked at him, my heart didn't beat faster, I didn't feel dizzy, I knew I barely liked him. But something kept me there, and deep inside me, I knew I wanted to venture into this place I wasn't really sure I should go. 

2. What's going on here?

Fast forward a while, and suddenly I was trapped. Days would go by without a word from him, and instead of liking the chase like I used to, I'd feel paranoid and panicky that it was over.And then sure enough, he would enter my life again as if nothing had happened, and I'd feel foolish for being worried 

Because at this point, I was sure he was attractive, and I loved when we kissed and I hated not talking to him. Suddenly, my heart beat faster when I was around him, and I felt dizzy just when I heard his name and I knew that I certainly did like him. . 

And then it happened again. He'd leave, and I could barely remember what he really looked like anymore; it had been weeks since I tasted his kiss. But still, he'd eventually call and then I'd sigh with relief, crawl back into his arms and be thankful that everything was alright- for now. 

3. What the hell happened?

Two weeks went by without a single word from him. The last thing I told him was pivotal, and I prepared myself to hear a hard truth. Instead, I got no response, which hit me even harder. I thought I'd be okay. I figured I'd use the age-old trick of out of sight, out of mind to get over him. 

But then I did see him, and I didn't expect it, and it nearly knocked me off my feet. My heart almost exploded and I felt dizzy I had to sit down, and I knew then and there that there was a chance I fell for his lines, and it call came crashing back. And he smiled at me and talked in his "everything's normal now" tone he has perfected, and I said nothing. 

And now, everything stopped- the dates, the kisses, the happiness, the calls, the texts, the jokes, the love that could have been- all just sort of faded away. 

I never knew where it came from. I didn't know what to do with it when it was here. And now, I have no idea where it went, which is the hardest thing of all to swallow.

Back from the dead

I haven't written a new blog in FOREVER- I apologize to all you fans out there. (Yes, all three of you.)

Today probably isn't the best day to write a new entry to be honest. It's a rainy Saturday, and I've been doing layout all day, which isn't terrible- but needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods.

Things have been going...well, they've been going lately. 

Tomorrow is Easter, and I have to go home to spend time with family. I love my family, and I do miss them, but I would rather just sleep in here in Lowell. I have a long research paper due on Monday (or Tuesday, if I am really incapable), so I would love to just stay here and get it done. 

Tonight, I'm going to a friend's show up in Manchester. I'm not looking forward to the drive up there, but going out will be a nice change of scenery. I totally got blown off last night, so a part of me thinks it will be nice to go out and have a few drinks with friends. Too bad the person who blew me off is best friends with the group I' m hanging with tonight. 

Intervention

Intervention is like the saddest show ever. 

I never really have time to just sit back and really watch TV when I'm at school, but I came back to my house in Cambridge tonight, curled up on the couch with my sister and some chinese food, and indulged in some Intervention time. (After I finished my 3+ hours of stupid homework I had to do, of course). 

The show gets to me every time. It's just so real. I'm sure this isn't very blog-friendly, but I have an aunt who I love very much, and she has become really dependent on prescription drugs in the past two years. After my grandmother died, April 8th 2007 (it's funny I still remember that date), her problem escalated, and she's not even a real person anymore. She doesn't leave her house; she hasn't been to work (she works at a hospital, nonetheless) for over 4 months. 

My mother, who was her best friend her whole life, doesn't talk to her anymore; they had a falling out concerning my grandmother after her death, when everyone's emotions were still very fragile. The thing that kills me about this is that I know that my grandmother is looking down from heaven and feeling sad about the situation. My aunt (who is not my blood relative, my grandmother did raise her) has no family but us; she has one son who doesn't talk to her anymore and her brothers are dying away one by one. She has no one and no one in my family but my sister can even talk to her; she won't really let anyone in. 

It's hard because I am away at school most of the time so I never really invest any time in seeing her, either. Last time I did, though, she was a size 6- before that, the last time I saw her she was a 22! How does anyone lose over 150 pounds in less than a year? It's horrifying. 

My sister and I are construing a plan to hold an intervention with her. It probably sounds corny and stupid, but we are hoping to get most of our family in one room with her and ask her to get some help. 

I talked to my dad about it, and he told me that if she doesn't kick her addiction soon, he can guarantee she won't be alive by Christmas. That thought terrifies me.

One Hour

I've got one hour to go. 

At 8 I'm making a change (hopefully) that will make life a little better. (Hopefully). 

Wish me luck!

59 minutes to go. 

5 Minute post

I've only got about 5 minutes to write this post, but since I've been severely slacking this week, I thought I'd give it a shot.

In a few minutes I'm leaving for the Hockey East finals tournament- my beloved hockey team made the cut! I'm so proud of my Riverhawk boys. We deserve it.

We were down to the final 4 with Northeastern, BU, BC... all $40,00+ schools. And then little ole UMass Lowell just jumped in there and now it's down to us and BU.

I'm so excited for the game- last night was such a thrill, and I hope to do it once again tonight.

After the game last night, I broughy my best friend from home to a party. This group of friends- my Drive-By/Summoned friends (they are called that because those are the bands they are a part of), are very outrageous people. And I love them so much. But my friend from home, they aren't really her people. But fortunately, there are things like drugs and alcohol that make everybody friends, so all in all, it wasn't a horrible night.

I love nights like last night, though, because being the only sober person in the house, I got to hear some pretty crazy confessions. Friends, both new and old, were telling me things I would have never guessed in a million years, and some things were talked about and happened that probably shouldn't have (none of which involving me of course), but I can't help but secretly enjoy it. I love that life is so surprising sometimes, and I love the fact that while things can sometimes seem so miserable, there really is always a silver lining.

Just F.Y.I

I didn't forget about my blog. 

It just hurts too much to write about what I'm thinking. 

I'll try again tomorrow.

Sattaday Night

It's 10 p.m. on a Saturday night, and I am completely exhausted. Too bad the night hasn't begun yet.

My brother, who DJs parties for money from time-to-time, is working a party at the local Irish bar, Paddys. The party is a big ol'e St. Patricks Day celebration, probably full of fat, ginger-haired drunks, and I am definitely stopping by there soon. I got invited to a Lesley party by some old friends that I may check out, too, but honestly, I am so tired I don't think I'd make it. 

Thursday night, as I hoped/expected, was a  complete shit show. In a a great way. But, like most shit shows, while the evening faded to morning, I was making friends with the bathroom floor in my dorm. I have never felt that hungover. I couldn't keep anything down until 4 pm the next day, and got literally no sleep. Most people, when they are drunk either pass out and puke the next morning, or puke when they are drunk and then pass out. Neither of those ever happens to me; I puke while I'm still drunk and get no sleep because I'm so sick, and then I just keep throwing up until it's like noon the next day. I have a very sensitive stomach as it is- I'm starting to wonder if I'm allergic to alcohol. And, if I am allergic, will I stop drinking?

Needless to say, spring break started off with a fantastic bang.  I only hope things go up from here. Although, I have to admit, right now, things aren't looking too promising. The person I was supposed to spend the night with is M.I.A, and I'm too lazy to go to the party in Allston I am supposed to be at. 

I'm hoping that things will look up tomorrow. =)

Changes

The longer you know some one, it seems the more complicated that relationship gets. 

 

There are a handful of people in my life right now that I would love nothing more than just to cut all ties with. I have spend months, even years, trying to deal with what I see as flaws in these individuals, and it is honestly just exhausting. 

I feel like, with this group of people specifically, I continue to invest time and effort and energy and emotion into making our friendships work, and in the end, I know I will be dealing with the same problem in just a few short days. 

This is where I feel torn, though. I am not some one who can easily just cut some one out of their life. I agonize over every single decision I make. Sometimes I curse myself for not getting the right flavor of coffee. Legit. So the idea of just cutting communication off with some one is just ridiculous to me- it won't happen. 

I feel sad, though, because obviously these people continue to cross my mind, and life path for that matter, so there must be something inside of them I like. Why else would I continue to try and try and try to make things work if I don't really care?

I know that you should love some one for who they are: nobody should ever change themselves just to please another person. But there are instances, I feel, that change is not only a good thing, but a necessary thing.

These people I am talking about- they act immature over and over, and are extremely selfish. They don't say what they really want to say, and never call when they promise to. They put temporary relationships ahead of their friendships, and overall just make poor decisions. (To name a few.)

These are not good qualities. And not that I'm above them or anything; I am just as guilty as anyone of making poor decisions time to time. But when these flaws start to outweigh the good qualities in my "friends", I really have to question if salvaging the friendship is really worth the effort. 

I mean, seriously; how much repetitive drama can one person really handle?

You Know What's Really Sad?

I'd rather sit here and update a stupid blog about nothing than actually create writing worth reading. 

I have creative writing class in about an hour, and I am supposed to hand in 5-7 "sessions" of writing. One session constitutes about an hour of writing, and an hour of writing consists of about a page. So, I think I am supposed to hand in roughly 7 pages of writing. Want to guess how many I have?

If you guessed one, you'd be wrong. 

I literally have not written anything (except this blog and a couple of articles) since last week. I need my Muse to come help me out, but until then, I'm on my own. 

I keep writing scenes and stories that have potential, but I get bored. 

I know that I have some form of A.D.D- there's no doubt about that. I just never thought I would have creative A.D.D. Usually writing is what keeps me sane. I never say the right things, but for some reason, when I get to write words down, they often say exactly what I want them to. 

Not lately, though; especially not for this class. I'm so stuck. 

And now I have less than 40 minutes to draft something to hand in!

Manic

I know I'm exaggerating right now, but sometimes I wonder if I've got the characteristics of a manic/depressant. 

My mom is a psychological nurse, and she often describes the symptoms of her emotionally unstable patients, and though I am certainly not that bad, sometimes I wonder if she's considered injecting me with mood stabilizers. 

Of course, I am dramatizing my emotional self; I am a girl, after all, which means that I am completely justified feeling high off life one minute, and hate the world. 

Today, I found out I got the job I've been freaking out about for my last few blogs.  This summer, I will be one of the many Orientation Leaders for UMass Lowell, a job that I know is going to be emotional, stressful, and at times, miserable. I know that when its 100 degrees out and I am eating nasty Aramark food for dinner yet again, I'll momentarily reconsider my life choices. But I also know that it will be a really rewarding, unforgettable experience, and honestly I am ready for the challenge. And perhaps the best part? My best friend is going to be along for the ride with me, which makes me that much more excited for summer.

And because summer is still a few months away, I've got so much to look forward to, now. The Connector hockey game Friday night. (My dad, grandfather, uncles and brother are all coming up for the game). Then the last hockey game Saturday night, followed by an open skate with the hockey team. Next week, my birthday dinner/bar outing. Following that is spring break; for that week, I will indulge on sleep and family and catching up with friends. I'm also going to see Motley Crue (!), a Queen tribute band and meeting the guitarist of Black Flag (Greg Ginn) on my birthday. Not to mention I can (hopefully!) get the outline done for my new tattoo once I get back from break. In April, I'm going to see my Red Sox with my good friend  and then am going to New York with my Connector crew. Before I know it, Spring Carnival will be here, and the WUML vs. Connector kickball, and then finals, and SUMMER!

Needless to say, I am thankful for lots of things in my life right now. 

<3

Panic Room

I wish I had a panic room. Not the kind of room that I could lock myself in to escape robbers, though, but one I could use to lock escape problems. 

Last night, in the darkness of my room, I had a slight panic attack. I started thinking about myself, and my life, and I suddenly lost it. 

To start, my best friend's brother hasn't made much progress beyond breathing on his own. I came home today to see her and when I got home, she informed me she was going back to Seattle, where she's living now. It's not a problem, really; it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to spend some time with her anyway, I just feel bad I missed the chance seeing my best friend. 

I have been thinking about this Orientation Leader job I applied for. Word on the street is they are picking less than 20 applicants, and even though I was semi-confident at first, I literally am dying thinking about if I don't get it.

I'm not one of those people who likes the unexpected; I like knowing what comes next. Last summer, my best friend (not the one I mentioned above, my other bff) lived less than 20 minutes away, and I spent the majority of the summer at my boyfriend's house. If what I am dreading in my head actually does happen, I will not only be without a boyfriend for the summer, but more importantly, a best friend. Nothing in the world scares me more than  living more than a short drive away from her. You just can't go from sharing a room with some one to not even sharing the same county; it's impossible. 

I'm just so tired of feeling unhappy and nervous. I'm panicking about stuff I shouldn't be worrying about, and it's driving me crazy!

I'm getting sick!!!

And I don't like it. 

I keep sneezing like I have allergies and I am just so exhausted. 

I wish that after layout, I could take a nap and just go to bed, but unfortunately I have lots of homework to do. 

I don't want to jinx it, but I am really hoping/expecting a snow day tomorrow. I really need an unspecified amount of time to just rest, write and finish up some work, and I think tomorrow would be the perfect time for that.