Why I'll (Most Likely) End Up Alone

So I had a self-scrutinizing epitome (those are always the best kinds, aren't they?) today, and I've come to realize that there's a good chance I am going to end up alone. 

You see, to be honest, I have never experienced love. I have never had my heart broken or thought that I've been in love. The worst part of it all is that I have told many, many people that I love them, when I knew, and I always knew, that I really did not. A lot of people would pity me for saying this but- and I am being completely honest here- a part of me wants to have my heart broken. I want to experience that can't-eat can't-sleep reach-for-the-moon-over-the-stars type of love I hear about songs, or see in movies, or stand back and watch in my friends. Even though I am absolutely positive being brokenhearted will be one of the worst feelings ever, I feel like it is just something I really need to experience. The metaphorical song "Tango: Maureen" from Rent, where the tango represents love, explains it best:

"When you're dancing her dance, 

You don't stand a chance

Her grip of romance will make you fall

So you think "might as well"

Ill just dance a tango to hell, 

At least I'll have tangoed at all"

So, needless to say, I am ready to fall in love. Now I don't want this to come across as I am looking for a boyfriend and/or dying for a relationship. I feel quite the opposite, actually. (My "never wanting a relationship again" attitude might be preventing this all from happening to me). All I am saying is that I am ready to fall in love with some one. 

I am ready to put my heart on the line. 

Here is where my hypocriticalness comes into play: I have "requirements" for who I will let myself fall in love with, and they are completely contradicting statements. 

Because I am so sure and adamant that I have never myself experienced love, I can't stand it when people around me swear that they've been in love and it wasn't. I know that an outsider supposedly can't really see what two people feel, but I can guarantee that most people I know have no idea what being in love is like. They falsely claim love for two reasons: it was their first real relationship, or the one rare one they didn't have the upper hand in. So because I myself have never tasted the sweet nectar of romance, and I can't stomach people who think they have, I am DEAD set on NEVER letting myself fall in love with some one who's been there before. In a recent relationship of mine, my boyfriend told me before we dated that his ex girlfriend broke his heart and he was very much in love with her. Of course, he would go on to say that...drumroll, please..."I didn't know what love was until I met you", but from those very words I knew it would never work. Maybe I am over thinking it, but I think I am a decent person who deserves 100% of some one. My heart is big, full and heavy, and I need the person who takes it to have enough closet space for it. Simply put, if another ex has already been stowed away, my stuff just won't fit, and it just won't work. 

Now here comes my wonderful contradiction: I refuse to love some one who has claimed love before, but I would NEVER let myself fall for some one who has never had a serious relationship. This plays into my previous statement about hating people who think their first lover means real love. I really, really hate that- I just can't stress it enough. That being said, I refuse to be that person who makes that pathetic loser think he's in love when really, it's just called growing up. 

So, in the end, all I really want is fall in love. I want some one who will emotionally sweep me off my feet. His heart has to be fresh and new; if he has even a scratch or a dent, I will not take him home.  He has to be experienced, so he won't expect me to lay the path for future relationships. He has to understand that it takes practice to make perfect, and therefore, early relationships can't be actual love. He needs to have had enough relationships in his past so I know his feelings aren't just sloppy emotional virginity, but few enough that he has never fell really in love before. He needs to be man enough to acknowledge that my views on love are ridiculous and hypocritical, but sensitive enough to have the patience to deal with him. He needs to appreciate me and be really ready to take me to a place where the only ways out are marriage or heartbreak. He has to love me for me.

Oh, and he needs to play guitar, too. =)