Blogging from Amish Country

Yup.

It's true.

I kind of fell off the face of the blog-related earth for a while being superbusy with my summer job and all, and I figured it was time to get back into the groove of blogging again.

So here I am!

Right now, I'm in good ole Amish Country in Pennsylvania. It smells like horse poop everywhere I go, because there are horses and their buggies everywhere I go.

I'm in a town called Bird-in-Hand, right outside of Intercourse. It cracks me up every time.

I wish I had more to say, but I am exhausted from the 6 hour ride here. (But I should probably point out, I didn't do any driving!)

Exhaustion

I can't remember a time in my life where I've felt exhaustion like I am now.

Everyone warned me going into my current Orientation Leader job that it would be a very long, tiring process, and even though sessions haven't even begun yet, I understand exactly what everyone means now.

We've been working it seems non-stop for a week straight now, and it's all been very, very fun. It really is amazing the level of bonding that is occurring between such a seemingly different group of people. It's hard because already I can tell that there are some people on staff with me that I don't click well with due to personality differences. Even so, I know that I only have to deal with these people on a professional level, and although I would love to be the best of friends with everyone, that goal is unrealistic.

Tonight is the first night this week that we don't have "in building time" to do work. But because we all have to be up at 6 AM tomorrow to work at Commencement (graduation), I am most likely going to be asleep by 9:30 p.m, with any luck.

Ich bin allein.

For those of you who don't speak German that well, the title of this blog means "I am alone". 

This won't be an emo entry, I swear. I don't mean alone in the relationship, emotional sense (even though I am! ha). I am alone, physically right now.

I moved into my new room, the place that's going to be my home for the next two months. 

It's funny because I know that 2 months should SEEM like a long time, but it doesn't feel that way at all. I look on a calender, and I just KNOW that this summer is going to to fly by. Pretty soon, that September air will roll around once again and I know it's time to get into school mode. 

I'm so excited for the summer, and I can honestly say I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.  It seems that the past two summers, I had people in my life that were hindering me from looking forward to it; a boyfriend I knew I wouldn't see as much as I like, a friend who I know would interrupt things between other friends. But this summer, I've got some amazing people living with me here in Lowell and I can FINALLY say goodbye to the bad influences and bad people I tend to gravitate to back home in Boston. 

I still have so much unpacking to do, I should get some rest now. <3

I'm going to implode

It has been absolutely forever since I've written this thing. Like I always say, I'm going to start updating more often. Hopefully, this time I mean it though. 

I took my last final of 2008-2009 today, and I am thrilled. I'm so relieved and worried for it to be summer. I'm SO ready to stop having to waste my brain capacity retaining information I don't give a crap about, but at the same time, I'm nervous for what the summer may (or may not) hold. 

It sort of hit me today; summer has begun. I spent the day at the beach with some friends, and it was amazing. Aside from the ocean being like, negative million degrees, it was beautiful: not a single cloud in the sky, not too hot, not too crowded. It was amazing.

This summer, I'm working for UML as an Orientation Leader. Tomorrow, I kind of start my job. We have a day-long leader retreat that I'm going to, which should be fun. 

I think I would enjoy it more if I wasn't battling a sore throat. =)

New York Aftermath

Sorry, kids for the wait once again.

 My real life has suddenly become fairly busy and I haven't gotten around to  blogging. I need to invest in some type of fancy phone I can use so I can tweet and blog my little heart out wherever I go. 

Anyways, I got back last weekend after a couple days in New York with some Connector kids. NYC was awesome.

There was no real drama, I got see a lot of cool sites I've never seen before, and best of all, we met Darnell. 

Now Darnell was no ordinary New York bum: no, Darnell was a special, toothless man who will forever be engrained in my heart. 

Speaking of hearts, I also saw Alkaline Trio right now (I'm subtly referencing their heart/skull logo), and it treated me out. Me and my boy Alan got some King Cobra 40's, saw some Saves the Gay and had a good old time. 

Sometimes my life is so great. I don't say it enough. =)

I have an EPIC research paper due Wednesday night thought, and after 4:30 tomorrow night, I'll be long gone from any time of academic mode. (It's Cinco de Mayo; I'm getting margaritas, and then going to a non-Cinco de Mayo party). So, yeah. That's that. I should go work on my paper now. 

I wonder what's going to happen...

..tonight/tomorrow. 

I got stood up last night (per usual) and was told I was going to have it "made it up to me". I wonder if it will actually happen. I already blogged about this in my last entry, but I just don't get why friends do this to each other. 

Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go to a Red Sox with a different friend, one I have a little more complicated history with, and because I haven't spoken to him in like two weeks, I wonder if he's even still taking me. 

It's not going to be a good week if I get bailed on twice in 48 hours. 

On another note, I'm doing some work on my computer right now and all I can smell is cigarette smoke and it's driving me crazy. I hate cigarettes so much. I've never smoked one, but I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that to themselves. They just smell so bad. 

Although, I do have to admit that the smell is actually growing on me. It must be from hanging around so many smokers lately. It seems like smoking has caught on again, like it's 1989 again or something. 

In case you haven't noticed, I'm totally just talking about nothing while I'm waiting for a friend to meet me for lunch. Hopefully she won't bail, too! Ha ha

those three small words

If "I love you" are the three small words women love to hear, then "if you want" are the three words women absolutely hate.

Nothing- seriously, nothing- is more infuriating then when a friend or boyfriend or invites you somewhere and follows it up with a "if you want". 

The thing is, when you invite us somewhere, we get excited. We think, "wow he wants to hang out with me, that's cool!" But then BOOM, we're hit with the "if you want" bomb,  which really translates into "if you have to."

I just don't understand why people do this; it's men, it's women, it's shitty people everywhere. Why invite a person somewhere if you don't really want them there? And, if you honestly don't have a preference, then just simply say something like, "Just let me know if you are coming by". 

So stupid. 

This isn't interesting at all

It's hard to not indulge in negative feelings when you're already down, so just bear with me. 

First of all, I'm suffering from wicked hormonal problems because, well, I'm a girl and once a month this happens to us. (I know that's probably TMI, but whatever, you can deal with it). 

Secondly, I am just so tired. But I can't sleep. Last night, I gave up a night out with friends to stay home and sleep in my biggish bed at home so I could get a lot of rest. But it didn't happen, and I can't figure out why. My body is exhausted physically and my mind is tired emotionally, so you would think I would just fall asleep. But after 2 shots of Nyquil and 2 natural herb sleeping pills later, I still found myself wide awake, staring at the damn TV.

It's 8 p.m. on a Friday night and I am soooo tired. Nothing sounds more appealing to me right then downing a nice vodka and cranberry, popping in a CSI DVD and going to sleep for a good twelve hours. I tried to nap after classes but the damn marching band kids practice on Friday afternoons so I could not. I am going out dancing tonight, at a gay club with my gay friend, and I honestly hope it's as fun as I'm anticipating. Life's been a little emotionally staggering lately and I could use a good picker-upper. 

Tomorrow night is MetalFest, and even though I was originally planning on going to the festivities for the entire day, I don't foresee that happening. I am going with a friend, who is so hot and cold to me; when we get along, we get along really good, but sometimes- most of the time, actually- he's just such a prick and I literally want to hit him. 

And then it will be Sunday, and I have to see a person I promised myself I'd never let myself see or speak to again. Ugh. FML?

3 Questions

I can sum it all up in three questions, really. 

I don't like to read into things too much, but unfortunately, I have this unstoppable tendency to overanalyze everything.

And so I've realized that all my emotions I've felt in the past four months can really be condensed into just three simple questions. So here is where I've been harboring all my wonders and whines, my thoughts and theories, my hopes and hauntings in these three simple questions. 

1. Where is this going?

I had to ask myself this in the beginning because I wasn't really sure what to expect. I liked not knowing, though. He was unpredictable and I always felt uneasy around him, but in a good way, though. Things were simple: I sort of liked it when we kissed, and sometimes I liked it when he called. Then days would go by and I wouldn't hear from him, and I liked that, too; I didn't know if I'd see him again, or when we'd talk. But I did know that I wanted it to happen. 

I wasn't even sure if I found him attractive. When I looked at him, my heart didn't beat faster, I didn't feel dizzy, I knew I barely liked him. But something kept me there, and deep inside me, I knew I wanted to venture into this place I wasn't really sure I should go. 

2. What's going on here?

Fast forward a while, and suddenly I was trapped. Days would go by without a word from him, and instead of liking the chase like I used to, I'd feel paranoid and panicky that it was over.And then sure enough, he would enter my life again as if nothing had happened, and I'd feel foolish for being worried 

Because at this point, I was sure he was attractive, and I loved when we kissed and I hated not talking to him. Suddenly, my heart beat faster when I was around him, and I felt dizzy just when I heard his name and I knew that I certainly did like him. . 

And then it happened again. He'd leave, and I could barely remember what he really looked like anymore; it had been weeks since I tasted his kiss. But still, he'd eventually call and then I'd sigh with relief, crawl back into his arms and be thankful that everything was alright- for now. 

3. What the hell happened?

Two weeks went by without a single word from him. The last thing I told him was pivotal, and I prepared myself to hear a hard truth. Instead, I got no response, which hit me even harder. I thought I'd be okay. I figured I'd use the age-old trick of out of sight, out of mind to get over him. 

But then I did see him, and I didn't expect it, and it nearly knocked me off my feet. My heart almost exploded and I felt dizzy I had to sit down, and I knew then and there that there was a chance I fell for his lines, and it call came crashing back. And he smiled at me and talked in his "everything's normal now" tone he has perfected, and I said nothing. 

And now, everything stopped- the dates, the kisses, the happiness, the calls, the texts, the jokes, the love that could have been- all just sort of faded away. 

I never knew where it came from. I didn't know what to do with it when it was here. And now, I have no idea where it went, which is the hardest thing of all to swallow.

Back from the dead

I haven't written a new blog in FOREVER- I apologize to all you fans out there. (Yes, all three of you.)

Today probably isn't the best day to write a new entry to be honest. It's a rainy Saturday, and I've been doing layout all day, which isn't terrible- but needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods.

Things have been going...well, they've been going lately. 

Tomorrow is Easter, and I have to go home to spend time with family. I love my family, and I do miss them, but I would rather just sleep in here in Lowell. I have a long research paper due on Monday (or Tuesday, if I am really incapable), so I would love to just stay here and get it done. 

Tonight, I'm going to a friend's show up in Manchester. I'm not looking forward to the drive up there, but going out will be a nice change of scenery. I totally got blown off last night, so a part of me thinks it will be nice to go out and have a few drinks with friends. Too bad the person who blew me off is best friends with the group I' m hanging with tonight. 

Intervention

Intervention is like the saddest show ever. 

I never really have time to just sit back and really watch TV when I'm at school, but I came back to my house in Cambridge tonight, curled up on the couch with my sister and some chinese food, and indulged in some Intervention time. (After I finished my 3+ hours of stupid homework I had to do, of course). 

The show gets to me every time. It's just so real. I'm sure this isn't very blog-friendly, but I have an aunt who I love very much, and she has become really dependent on prescription drugs in the past two years. After my grandmother died, April 8th 2007 (it's funny I still remember that date), her problem escalated, and she's not even a real person anymore. She doesn't leave her house; she hasn't been to work (she works at a hospital, nonetheless) for over 4 months. 

My mother, who was her best friend her whole life, doesn't talk to her anymore; they had a falling out concerning my grandmother after her death, when everyone's emotions were still very fragile. The thing that kills me about this is that I know that my grandmother is looking down from heaven and feeling sad about the situation. My aunt (who is not my blood relative, my grandmother did raise her) has no family but us; she has one son who doesn't talk to her anymore and her brothers are dying away one by one. She has no one and no one in my family but my sister can even talk to her; she won't really let anyone in. 

It's hard because I am away at school most of the time so I never really invest any time in seeing her, either. Last time I did, though, she was a size 6- before that, the last time I saw her she was a 22! How does anyone lose over 150 pounds in less than a year? It's horrifying. 

My sister and I are construing a plan to hold an intervention with her. It probably sounds corny and stupid, but we are hoping to get most of our family in one room with her and ask her to get some help. 

I talked to my dad about it, and he told me that if she doesn't kick her addiction soon, he can guarantee she won't be alive by Christmas. That thought terrifies me.

One Hour

I've got one hour to go. 

At 8 I'm making a change (hopefully) that will make life a little better. (Hopefully). 

Wish me luck!

59 minutes to go. 

5 Minute post

I've only got about 5 minutes to write this post, but since I've been severely slacking this week, I thought I'd give it a shot.

In a few minutes I'm leaving for the Hockey East finals tournament- my beloved hockey team made the cut! I'm so proud of my Riverhawk boys. We deserve it.

We were down to the final 4 with Northeastern, BU, BC... all $40,00+ schools. And then little ole UMass Lowell just jumped in there and now it's down to us and BU.

I'm so excited for the game- last night was such a thrill, and I hope to do it once again tonight.

After the game last night, I broughy my best friend from home to a party. This group of friends- my Drive-By/Summoned friends (they are called that because those are the bands they are a part of), are very outrageous people. And I love them so much. But my friend from home, they aren't really her people. But fortunately, there are things like drugs and alcohol that make everybody friends, so all in all, it wasn't a horrible night.

I love nights like last night, though, because being the only sober person in the house, I got to hear some pretty crazy confessions. Friends, both new and old, were telling me things I would have never guessed in a million years, and some things were talked about and happened that probably shouldn't have (none of which involving me of course), but I can't help but secretly enjoy it. I love that life is so surprising sometimes, and I love the fact that while things can sometimes seem so miserable, there really is always a silver lining.

Just F.Y.I

I didn't forget about my blog. 

It just hurts too much to write about what I'm thinking. 

I'll try again tomorrow.

Sattaday Night

It's 10 p.m. on a Saturday night, and I am completely exhausted. Too bad the night hasn't begun yet.

My brother, who DJs parties for money from time-to-time, is working a party at the local Irish bar, Paddys. The party is a big ol'e St. Patricks Day celebration, probably full of fat, ginger-haired drunks, and I am definitely stopping by there soon. I got invited to a Lesley party by some old friends that I may check out, too, but honestly, I am so tired I don't think I'd make it. 

Thursday night, as I hoped/expected, was a  complete shit show. In a a great way. But, like most shit shows, while the evening faded to morning, I was making friends with the bathroom floor in my dorm. I have never felt that hungover. I couldn't keep anything down until 4 pm the next day, and got literally no sleep. Most people, when they are drunk either pass out and puke the next morning, or puke when they are drunk and then pass out. Neither of those ever happens to me; I puke while I'm still drunk and get no sleep because I'm so sick, and then I just keep throwing up until it's like noon the next day. I have a very sensitive stomach as it is- I'm starting to wonder if I'm allergic to alcohol. And, if I am allergic, will I stop drinking?

Needless to say, spring break started off with a fantastic bang.  I only hope things go up from here. Although, I have to admit, right now, things aren't looking too promising. The person I was supposed to spend the night with is M.I.A, and I'm too lazy to go to the party in Allston I am supposed to be at. 

I'm hoping that things will look up tomorrow. =)

Changes

The longer you know some one, it seems the more complicated that relationship gets. 

 

There are a handful of people in my life right now that I would love nothing more than just to cut all ties with. I have spend months, even years, trying to deal with what I see as flaws in these individuals, and it is honestly just exhausting. 

I feel like, with this group of people specifically, I continue to invest time and effort and energy and emotion into making our friendships work, and in the end, I know I will be dealing with the same problem in just a few short days. 

This is where I feel torn, though. I am not some one who can easily just cut some one out of their life. I agonize over every single decision I make. Sometimes I curse myself for not getting the right flavor of coffee. Legit. So the idea of just cutting communication off with some one is just ridiculous to me- it won't happen. 

I feel sad, though, because obviously these people continue to cross my mind, and life path for that matter, so there must be something inside of them I like. Why else would I continue to try and try and try to make things work if I don't really care?

I know that you should love some one for who they are: nobody should ever change themselves just to please another person. But there are instances, I feel, that change is not only a good thing, but a necessary thing.

These people I am talking about- they act immature over and over, and are extremely selfish. They don't say what they really want to say, and never call when they promise to. They put temporary relationships ahead of their friendships, and overall just make poor decisions. (To name a few.)

These are not good qualities. And not that I'm above them or anything; I am just as guilty as anyone of making poor decisions time to time. But when these flaws start to outweigh the good qualities in my "friends", I really have to question if salvaging the friendship is really worth the effort. 

I mean, seriously; how much repetitive drama can one person really handle?

You Know What's Really Sad?

I'd rather sit here and update a stupid blog about nothing than actually create writing worth reading. 

I have creative writing class in about an hour, and I am supposed to hand in 5-7 "sessions" of writing. One session constitutes about an hour of writing, and an hour of writing consists of about a page. So, I think I am supposed to hand in roughly 7 pages of writing. Want to guess how many I have?

If you guessed one, you'd be wrong. 

I literally have not written anything (except this blog and a couple of articles) since last week. I need my Muse to come help me out, but until then, I'm on my own. 

I keep writing scenes and stories that have potential, but I get bored. 

I know that I have some form of A.D.D- there's no doubt about that. I just never thought I would have creative A.D.D. Usually writing is what keeps me sane. I never say the right things, but for some reason, when I get to write words down, they often say exactly what I want them to. 

Not lately, though; especially not for this class. I'm so stuck. 

And now I have less than 40 minutes to draft something to hand in!

Manic

I know I'm exaggerating right now, but sometimes I wonder if I've got the characteristics of a manic/depressant. 

My mom is a psychological nurse, and she often describes the symptoms of her emotionally unstable patients, and though I am certainly not that bad, sometimes I wonder if she's considered injecting me with mood stabilizers. 

Of course, I am dramatizing my emotional self; I am a girl, after all, which means that I am completely justified feeling high off life one minute, and hate the world. 

Today, I found out I got the job I've been freaking out about for my last few blogs.  This summer, I will be one of the many Orientation Leaders for UMass Lowell, a job that I know is going to be emotional, stressful, and at times, miserable. I know that when its 100 degrees out and I am eating nasty Aramark food for dinner yet again, I'll momentarily reconsider my life choices. But I also know that it will be a really rewarding, unforgettable experience, and honestly I am ready for the challenge. And perhaps the best part? My best friend is going to be along for the ride with me, which makes me that much more excited for summer.

And because summer is still a few months away, I've got so much to look forward to, now. The Connector hockey game Friday night. (My dad, grandfather, uncles and brother are all coming up for the game). Then the last hockey game Saturday night, followed by an open skate with the hockey team. Next week, my birthday dinner/bar outing. Following that is spring break; for that week, I will indulge on sleep and family and catching up with friends. I'm also going to see Motley Crue (!), a Queen tribute band and meeting the guitarist of Black Flag (Greg Ginn) on my birthday. Not to mention I can (hopefully!) get the outline done for my new tattoo once I get back from break. In April, I'm going to see my Red Sox with my good friend  and then am going to New York with my Connector crew. Before I know it, Spring Carnival will be here, and the WUML vs. Connector kickball, and then finals, and SUMMER!

Needless to say, I am thankful for lots of things in my life right now. 

<3

Panic Room

I wish I had a panic room. Not the kind of room that I could lock myself in to escape robbers, though, but one I could use to lock escape problems. 

Last night, in the darkness of my room, I had a slight panic attack. I started thinking about myself, and my life, and I suddenly lost it. 

To start, my best friend's brother hasn't made much progress beyond breathing on his own. I came home today to see her and when I got home, she informed me she was going back to Seattle, where she's living now. It's not a problem, really; it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to spend some time with her anyway, I just feel bad I missed the chance seeing my best friend. 

I have been thinking about this Orientation Leader job I applied for. Word on the street is they are picking less than 20 applicants, and even though I was semi-confident at first, I literally am dying thinking about if I don't get it.

I'm not one of those people who likes the unexpected; I like knowing what comes next. Last summer, my best friend (not the one I mentioned above, my other bff) lived less than 20 minutes away, and I spent the majority of the summer at my boyfriend's house. If what I am dreading in my head actually does happen, I will not only be without a boyfriend for the summer, but more importantly, a best friend. Nothing in the world scares me more than  living more than a short drive away from her. You just can't go from sharing a room with some one to not even sharing the same county; it's impossible. 

I'm just so tired of feeling unhappy and nervous. I'm panicking about stuff I shouldn't be worrying about, and it's driving me crazy!

I'm getting sick!!!

And I don't like it. 

I keep sneezing like I have allergies and I am just so exhausted. 

I wish that after layout, I could take a nap and just go to bed, but unfortunately I have lots of homework to do. 

I don't want to jinx it, but I am really hoping/expecting a snow day tomorrow. I really need an unspecified amount of time to just rest, write and finish up some work, and I think tomorrow would be the perfect time for that. 

I hope he's listening

My parents, my father in particular, are very religious. 

Since I was a tiny child, I was taught about God and his wondrous ways. I was told that it was okay to ask him for help when I needed it, and that he would love me, even if I sinned. I was told that talking to him didn't require an alter, and that he was always watching me. 

I don't have a very distinct belief on God. I say I believe in him, though sometimes I wonder if it's because I really do, or say I do because I feel bad letting my parents down. 

I'd say it's more the first. I do believe that some one is up there watching my life go by ,and sometimes, I wish he'd intervene. 

My emotions, for the fast few weeks in particular, have been on a roller-coaster. The ups are so ups, and the downs make me so down, and I've just been riding it out. 

But now, on this weekend that is jam-packed with work and stress, another situation has brought itself upon me that I can't avoid. 

I have an interview tomorrow for a job I want more than anything, and my best friend's brother is hospitalized, not even breathing by himself, and I'm just so nervous. 

I am praying and hoping and wishing for a happy ending. I am blindly putting my faith in powers beyond me that everything will work itself out, eventually. 

I just hope that he's listening.

Letdowns

This has probably been one of the most emotionally exhausting weeks of my life. 

All week I have been strung along- by a friend, by a guy, by my phone company- just to be let down in the end. 

FIRST OF ALL...My phone "broke" last week, so I had to wait 5 days- and pay $50- for a new battery. Just when it started working again, it died on me, and after 4 long hours bouncing between the 2 Verizon stores at the mall, I was told that- after switching phones and pleading to get my numbers/pictures transferred over- it was just my charger was broken. My phone and its original battery was fine, and the useless woman at Verizon had told me lies, saying that she didn't know when I would get my phone back, there were no chargers in the country (yeah, seriously), ect. Had she just asked from help from another employee, I could have been out there in like 10 minutes with a new phone. 

THEN...a friend of mine told me he wanted me to come check out his friend's band because "i was a good person to know in the local music scene". I was under the impression my company was wanted and that I wouldn't have to pay. Needless to say, I drive the hour to Cambridge just to discover that he just needed to sell tickets. He was there with his group of friends and didn't really hang out with us (my friend and I) at all. 

ALL THE WHILE....this is happening, a good friend of mine just stopped talking to me. Just stopped. The last time I spoke with him was Thursday night, and I don't care how many people say that's not a big deal, it's weird to go from speaking with some one every day to simply nothing. I sent him one text and gave him one call, both unanswered. Not only do I feel mad for being stood up, I feel embarrassed for putting myself out there like that. I literally don't even know what to think. How can you just stop talking to some one? The worst part of it is I didn't see it coming at all. We (this friend and me) had this conversation before. He promised me that if he wasn't feeling it anymore, he would be up front about it and not just cut off communication. I just don't see why it is so hard to call some one- or text, or use the wonderful world of technology- to talk to some one. Just to say "Hey, I'm alive" or "Hey, have a nice life". 

This kid was a friend of mine, and now I don't even know when I'll ever see him again. How does something like this even happen?

If this is karma working its magic, I can't help but wonder what the hell I did to be treated this way. 

Burn

"Burn"

by Ray LaMontagne

Oh mama don't walk away
I'm a goddam sore loser
I ain't too proud to stay
But I'm still thinking 'bout you
And I'm so lonesome without you
And I can't get you out of my mind
Oh mama don't leave me alone
with my soul sat down so tight it's like a stone cold tomb
Ain't it clear when I'm near you
I'm just dying to hear you
Calling my name one more time
Oh so don't pay no mind
To my watering eyes
Must be something in the air
That I'm breathing
Yes'n I try to ignore
All this blood on the floor
It's just this heart on my sleeve that's a bleeding
Oh mama don't walk away
You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain
Saying the love that we had
was just selfish and sad
To see you now with him
is just making me mad
Oh so kiss him again
just to prove to me that you can
an I will stand here
and burn in my skin
Yes I will stand here
and burn in my skin

All Uphill From Here

You know what the greatest thing about feeling down is?

Knowing that things can only get better from there on out & everything will work itself out in the end. =)

Phone No More

I have been officially without a phone for 12 hours now, but it might as well be 10 days. 

After seeing the new Friday the 13th movie last night, (yeah I know, perfect timing, right?), I woke up- alone- to discover that it was completely dead. 

Needless to say, it was kind of a sleepless night. I don't know if it was the questionable decision I made yesterday or the scary movie (I'm really bad at watching those, seriously), but I could not sleep. When I finally fell into a deep sleep at 4 a.m., I woke up an hour later to find my phone off. Then I started getting nervous, thinking that if something awful happened I would have no way to contact anybody. So I just laid in my bed, trying not to fall back asleep in fear that I would stop breathing or wake up in the bottom of a lake or something ridiculous. When I finally started dozing off, I hoped that seeing my phone dead was just a groggy misperception due to my lack of sleep.

But sure enough, when my conscience reemerged at 9:30, my little phone was still dead. 

I can't decide what pisses me off most: the fact that my phone is not that fancy but still broke easily, or that it's new and broke easily. Or the fact that I waited 68 minutes at the desk just for the Verizon woman to inform me that there were no extra batteries to bring my phone back to life. In fact, there were no batteries in Boston, Cambridge, Burlington, Nashua, Salem, or Pelham; virtually any store remotely close to me. 

In the end, I had to walk out of the mall slightly annoyed and deeply concerned with my lack of telephone. I have to wait for the company to mail me a battery, which could take days. 

Needless to say, I feel so lost without the ability to talk to people whenever I want. 

Get Out Alive

With all that's been going on in my life lately, there's only one question I keep asking myself: 

What the hell is going on?

I still have one more night to go on my three-day weekend, but so far, it's been a good one. I spent Friday night partying with some of my favorite UML people, and the night was amazing. There were a few disappointing surprises to the night, but overall a good time. 

I spent Valentine's Day going to the UML hockey game (we tied B.C. 4-4), had dinner (sushi!) with Lynchie and the Danish foreign exchange student, and had a couple beers at the Worthen to end the night. 

Though things on the outside are going good for me, on the inside, I don't feel so lucky. I just can't figure out what's going on in anybody's brains. Especially mine. 

For one, I keep seeing my "ex" around, for one, and it feels so awkward. I have to put the word ex in quotations because even though we've been broken up for a while, it doesn't feel right calling him an ex. Every time I see him, he gives me these looks like he doesn't want to look at me or see me again, which I could kind of understand if he didn't, but he's not mean about it, so I can't really tell. There are so many things I want- and need- to tell him, but I know I never will. 

As for my future, I have no idea what's going on in my romantic life. There are so many problems, so many fears, so many issues I need to work out before I move on, and I don't even know what to label myself now. Am I single or am I just unavailable? It amazes me that some one that can do so well in some aspects in life- school, friendships, family relationships- can't even figure out what to label herself at the bar.

In another sticky situation across town, a former relationship I envied is now under some major construction. A secret that probably shouldn't have gotten out did, and I am terrified, that under the somewhat comical circumstances, I am indirectly responsible. A love triangle is forming between people I really care about, and I just want it to work out right-meaning I don't want anyone getting hurt.

In another case of confusion, my best friend got a phone call from a man of her past that has her thinking, too. She- and I- can't help but wonder what drove him to call her after so many months of not speaking. If he called her, obviously she was on his mind, and if he's thinking about her, then it should be simple. But it never, ever is. 

I need to repeat that again: it never, ever, is.  

How do I make amends with my former love life, and how do I uncover what's actually going on in my current one? Can the tangled truth come out without anyone else getting hurt? 

In the end, all I want is for everyone's heart to be in tact. 

I want us all to just get out of this alive.

I wish that money really did grow off of trees...

...and I wish I had one of those trees in my backyard.

I hate being so broke all the time. 

I literally am living dollar-to-dollar, and everyone around me is swimming in money it seems- from their jobs, from their parents, from their tax returns. It's no one's fault but my own that I am so broke. 

I haven't had a legitimate job since 2007. (That's SO sad to say out loud). 

The summer of 2007, I worked three jobs and saved up a ton of money- enough to get me through the fall. I didn't have a car at school, and I was taking 6 classes at one point, so time and travel to have a job were limited. Then 2008 rolled around and I couldn't get a job for the summer because I was doing an unpaid internship. Come Fall 2008, school was once again drowning me and I didn't have time to pick one up.  Now, its 2009 and I am READY and DYING for a freaking job. Anything will do at this point. But of course, with the economy the way it is  (and I know I do not need to go into detail about this), no one is hiring. Even restaurants and retail jobs, my "fallback" jobs, won't hire because they are all CLOSING. 

It's really ridiculous. 

But anyways, the point of this blog is this: I don't have any money to go out and do fun stuff, which may be why things seem so crappy all the time. This weekend, I am going out to the bar with some newspaper friends for a much-needed fun night together. Saturday, Valentine's Day, I got kind of asked out on a date that I am kind of not wanting to go on, so I plan on heading out with another group of friends. The thing is, I don't even think I can afford both. It's not fun. 

My birthday is coming up in March, and my friends and I wanted to go back to Canada for the weekend like we did last year. I had an amazing birthday last year and would LOVE to repeat the experience, but it's going to cost a whopping $200.00 just for ONE weekend. That is so much money, seriously. The problem is, the deal we are getting this time is SO good, and we would be driving up ourselves, so we wouldn't have to suffer through throwing up on the bus ride again. (That's a fun story, let me tell you). Here's another problem: I REALLY want a new tattoo. A big, sexy one on my forearm that I know is going to be pretty pricey. 

There's no way I can afford both my trip and tattoo without help from my friends and family, and asking either them for more help than they already give me is not even an option.

Now I just need to decide, what's more important: a fun Spring break/birthday weekend I probably won't forget or a tattoo I'll have forever. 

The Non-Gay Gay Friend

I am very, very fortunate to have a plethora of what most of us call the Non-Gay Gay Friend. 

My NGGFs are amazing people. Now, I don't mean to stereotype, but some of my actual gay friends seem to concentrate too much on appearance, whereas my NGGFs do not. Another plus? Unlike my gay friends, these guys are attracted to women (obviously) so they really do know how green the grass is on the other side. They give sex tips and share embarrassing stories, they ask me for advice, and overall help me understand the seemingly complex but actually simply mindset of men.

These collection of boys- who are all very, very different people- each play a very distinct role in my happiness and life. 

First and foremost, "PJ" has been one of my best friends since we were 14. Today, after running ridiculous errands and listening to ridiculous music in my car, we had this conversation about girls, guys and dating, and he said to me, "if that happened, I would tell ALL my guy friends, including you." This kind of statement is just what I would expect from him; today I asked him to seriously check me out and give his opinion of me and my appearance as a complete stranger, and he physically couldn't even judge me. PJ has been there through EVERY single relationship and hookup I've EVER been in, and so when I need advice, no one can give it to me as good and as honest as him. 

My friend Greg is second-in-command when it comes to my NGGFs. Greg is the most beautiful person I've ever met, and every day I am grateful that I met him. It would take me all night to convey just how much he means to me, and it probably wouldn't even still wouldn't even make sense to you. Our friendship is intense but completely non-sexual, and our platonic passion really couldn't be copied by anyone else. In the time I've known him, he has given me new outlooks on life, and I have helped him see the female perspective on things. He is the first boy I want to call when something great or awful happens in my romantic life, and he reciprocates that feeling as well. Our schedules are always conflicting and busy; we both can't go anywhere without seeing some one we know, which is proof of our hectic lives.  Needless to say, I have a conversation date with him tomorrow night that I am ecstatic for. 

Then there's Jam and Hot Chocolate Man, my newest best boy buds. These two treat me so right and so wrong at the same time. In our shared office, the three of us, along with other friends, talk about the rudest and crudest things of men, women and sex. Seriously, the things we share really just aren't okay, even by my standards. But the both of them are always there with open ears to hear me gush about my newest rack of romantic problems. The other night, on a detective-esque romantic adventure, one of them literally looked out for me, making sure by the end of the night, I wouldn't end up getting hurt. And I appreciated it, as Extreme says, more than words. 

I have SO many more NGGFs to name- Tsui, Asshole, Humpty Dumpty, Ken Doll, Cumby, Squishy, Grom, Sulky, Meathead- the list goes on and on.

But it's getting semi-late and I have homework to do. 

Plus, I have romantic woes on the mind that I'm probably going to have to vent to one of the fabulous men I just mentioned. 

Thank god for them, too: after talking to them, the big, scary world of guys, sex and dating never seems so scary after all. 

Just breathe

One of the many, many things my mom has taught me over the years is to never go to bed angry. 

I have a lot of trouble sleeping as it is, so when I feel angry or upset at somebody, I really just can't go to bed mad at them. 

Right now, I'm not mad at anybody in particular, but looking back on my last few posts, I realized how emo I've been sounding. 

I'm not unhappy or depressed about my life, and I think I need to clear up that message right now. 

Honestly, I wish I had a job. I have time now to breathe, and I have time to actually commit to something other than school and the newspaper, so really it would be a win/win situation. I could make some spending money, get back in the job business, and hopefully meet some awesome people on the way. 

Things will work out for me. I just know it.

Get Lost

I am one of those people who can confidently say that they can get lost in music. 

Although my head and soul are sometimes inside a song, I sometimes wish I could just dissolve into whatever music I am listening to and disappear. 

Today, I felt literally helpless.

 I was so tired I couldn't even move, too drained to cry, too empty to really feel anything at all. So I put on some music, laid in my bed and just listened, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about my life. 

I kept wishing I would close my eyes and fall asleep, because I feel like that's the closest I'll ever get to actually drifting off into music. 

I think I might be depressed.

Okay, so I'm not actually depressed. 

But somethings have not been going the way I would like them to lately.

Last semester, I was crazy busy with my classes and the Connector and my boyfriend. This semester, I have a lot more free time to myself, and while it is absolutely amazing to just relax and not be stressed out to the point of tears, (I never actually cried, though I wanted to), all this free time is making me kind of sad. 

For one, I'm always tired. Last night I only got like 5 hours of sleep, so after breakfast I took a little much-needed power nap, but I am still exhausted. I don't want to, but I know that once I get out of classes today, I am going to want to come home and get in my bed. 

I've been applying for jobs left and right, hoping to get any small, part-time job- ANYTHING- to give me a few bucks a week. I hate being so broke, it makes me sad. So I sleep so I don't think about how sad and broke I am. 

Fortunately, my beautiful friends have been keeping my mind entertained throughout the week and weekend with fun stuff stuff to. Like this weekend. I have so many fun plans this weekend- 3 shows, bar hopping, Winterfest, movies, parties- I can't wait for it all.

Hopefully the mixture of alcohol and friends will lift my mood. Either that, or I'll be extra-extra tired and sleep my weekend away. =(

i want a nap...

...but instead, I am going to write an overdue entry here. (Lynchie, if you are reading this, you should know I am only writing this so you have something to read while you're at work!)

This weekend was very, very fun. Aside from feeling like death from vomiting A LOT, I had a nice weekend full of parties and friends, which is my main goal for the semester. 

It sounds really awful, but I headed into 2009 with one goal: to have as much fun as possible, preferably with alcohol. Last year, the ladies of 413 partied hard. I can't remember one sober weekend we had all year, and last semester, the parties just sort of ended. Free time got smaller, work loads got heavier, and life just got quieter. This semester, though, I am only taking 4 classes, one of which only meets once a week, so if I can actually handle some time management skills, my goal might be carried out successfully. 

I am also feeling very happy about a situation I was struggling with this weekend. I was very worried about some one, somewhere that I just shouldn't have been. Sometimes, I get ahead of myself and all of the time I over-think things, and I know that in my heart, the whole thing was silly to be upset about. I have a hard time not worrying about people I care about, and an even harder time trusting people, but I really just need to learn to let go. After all, I am no one's girlfriend or mother, so I have no entitlement over what any of my friends do in their lives, no matter how close we are. 

I am some one who is very set in her ways. There are certain things I just don't do, and lately I'm finding myself subconsciously trying to change my ways to adapt to other people, and it was bothering me because, really, I know that no one is worth changing yourself for. I know that sometimes you can't help it; sometimes it just seems easier putting down your guard to compromise with some one else. But in the end, we all, including and especially myself, need to remember, that special people are simply in our lives; they should never, ever become our lives. 

That being said, I know I was (and probably will be in the future) acting just like a silly girl. But really, that's all I know how to be: a silly girl with silly problems that she vents on a silly blog. 

The No-Sleep Entry

I am writing this blog on literally zero sleep. Which isn't really a big deal, but I was up half the night being drunk watching Golden Girls, and the other half I spent puking my brains out for six or seven hours. 

I've spent most of my life functioning on little or zero sleep, but I would love to just crawl into bed and pass out right now. Unfortunately, I have lots of work to do- job applications, homework, articles- so I know that I should fight my urge to nap and just do what I've got to do. 

I really wish I wouldn't get so sick when I drink. I started my night off last night with some beloved Jager shots, and then it was all out of my hands from there. But hey, I bring it upon myself, so I really can't complain. 

I just wish this weekend was over with already. I'm tired of stressing out and being worried, I'm tired of missing my friends. I thought drinking myself into oblivion would have made the time fly by faster, but really, time is still slowly crawling on, and I am just tired, empty and hungover. 

Vegas, Peanut Butter, and Birthday cards

The title of this post probably doesn't make sense upon first read, but in reality, my life is just a series of unconnected events connected somehow. So as Kel would say...awwwww, here it goes!

A small group of friends of mine leave for Vegas today. I hope that Vegas treats them right and I sincerely hope they return home STD-free and with tons of cash. I wish I was old enough to party it up in Vegas. I fully plan on celebrating my 21st birthday there because really, I can't think of a better way to turn the big 2-1. The thought of going makes me very, very excited. 

In other news, I was talking to my friends Sarah and Sema in the dining hall today, and I made Sarah laugh so hard that chunks of English Muffin- like legitimate chunks- came out of her nose. It was so funny and so disgusting. I feel a little guilty- all she can taste and smell is peanut butter, which makes sense because it was basically dripping out of her nose along with the big chunks of bread, but I still feel bad. I was just waiting for her to sneeze out the rest of her breakfast, too; I was almost hoping some eggs didn't end up on the table. It would've been like a really fascinating, really gross magic trick. 

My friend Keith's birthday is coming up. Currently, he is serving over in Iraq, doing his Marine thing until about Easter. I can't wait until he comes home. I hope he doesn't hate me, though. Things between our groups of friends are dramatically different now than they were when he left, and I know some of it, if not a lot of it,  has to do with me. But things change, and hopefully he will understand that. 

I have classes in a couple hours. So far, I have had SO much free time this semester. Although it's been glorious, it has been bittersweet. Having too much time makes me think about stuff, and when I think about stuff, I REALLY overthink stuff, and it just makes me crazy. And let's be serious, I'm fairly sure I'm crazy enough as it is.

F my L

I have to come right out and say it: today was not the best day.

Last night, I was hoping very hard for classes to be canceled because I couldn't wait to just sleep in, and though it was glorious being able to shut off my alarm clock, the day wasn't as happy as it was originally cracked up to be. 

I started the day off right- breakfast with some Conc ladies, and we chatted, listened to some tunes and made some collages in the hallway while I sipped on SoCo and Cranberry Juice...at noon. 

All day I was waiting for a phone call I never got, which really sucked. I had semi-plans to go out tonight, and because of the weather and the non-existent phone call, I don't think I am going to.

Something feels very wrong, and I can't figure out why. A few days ago, I posted a blog about how I was feeling very lucky and fortunate and happy, and I'm wondering if I am finally getting what I deserve, and that's why things feel so bad right now. 

I keep having to deal with issues via Facebook and text messaging, which is also a reason I may be in a bad mood. I mean, technology is amazing, but I feel like there are people and situations you should not address that way. Fortunately, I have a little more free time this semester to deal with things thoroughly. I was hoping to fill with a job and happiness, but it looks like neither of those things will be happening now. 

I'm going to crawl into my bed and try hard not to think about things. Maybe that will help.

Oh, Connector

Oh, the Connector. 

My school newspaper drives me crazy. Most of the time, it feels like I put SO much time, effort and work into the stupid newspaper and no one cares. But as much work as the damn thing is, in the end, nothing else really treats me so right. 

We just held our first meeting of 2009, our first meeting of the semester and it was great. A lot of new folks showed up, which is usually the case in the beginning of each semester, but I honestly think these people are going to stick around. 

This year, we are really slacking in writers, and the staff is quite small, but aside from a few situations, the staff has gotten really close. My fellow Connector-ites and I have had more laughs in that office than I can even count. 

In the past few months, we have experienced the most awful, ridiculous situations that we are forced to laugh at; if we don't, we would cry very, very hard.

 Some of the people we have had to deal with, on both professional and personal levels, make it all worthwhile. A lot of these stories are definitely "you-just-had-to-be-there" ones, but my god, the laughs. The memories. The times. 

Connector, you have brought me some irreplaceable moments. 

I hope this semester is even better than the last. 

<3

(Since we are on the topic of hoping, I am TOTALLY banking on a snow day tomorrow!)

Boo, School

12 hours from now, I will be sitting in my History of American Musical class, and I am absolutely dreading it.

I usually love school, but lately I have been feeling very very anti-education. I don't want to be here, at UMass Lowell. I love my room and my roommate, but there are little things about the dorms I just can't stand. I hate how tiny my bed is, I hate that my neighbors are always extremely loud, I hate that when I get drunk and need to vomit, I have to do it in a public stall. 

I'm tired of taking stupid classes that mean nothing to me. And I'm tired of eating at the damn dining hall. Over break, I really enjoyed being with my mom and babysitting my nephews all the time, and I hate being so far away. 

I was so sure that I wanted to stay in Lowell for the summer, and although I do love the area, a part of me feels like I don't want to be in these dorms any longer. 

I don't need where my head will be come May- romantically speaking, academically speaking, emotionally speaking- so I shouldn't try to decide what I'll do with my summer now. It just feels like time is flying by so fast that before I know it, it will be June, and I am going to wonder why I didn't plan ahead. 

And I'm still so nervous for classes tomorrow!!!

My Girls

No, this isn't at all related to the Temptations song. (Although I do love the Temptations.)

I have been feeling really sick the last few days. I don't know what's going on with my throat, but it's not feeling good. I've spent the last hour or so laying in my bed with an coffee and a Cosmo magazine. I've got Sex & the City on my T.V. and I am texting my friends Lynchie and Amanda to discuss my plans for tonight. I realized, amongst my lazy multitasking, that I LOVE this. I really do love being a girl. 

My whole life, I hung out with mostly boys. There was a brief period in middle school when I had five fabulous girlfriends, but once high school hit, we all went out separate ways. (And when I say separate, I mean we went in VERY different directions.) But for most of the time, I was around boys.

Way back in the day I was around the hockey guys. And then the St. Peters Crew. (I miss this group so much. <3)>

I had lots of fun in these testosterone-filled days, I did. I can't help but smile when I think about creeping to the castle in Cambridge Cemetery, or spending nights camping out on the baseball field, or riding around on bike pegs between Somerville and NC. 

BUT. As much as fun as it was, I am happy to say that I have finally the perfect blend of friends. Now, I am very very lucky to have such great girls in my life. No one understands the highs and lows of love like my girlfriends, and I don't laugh with people like I do with them. 

So, in my luxuriously lazy Saturday, I would just like to express my gratitude to all the fabulous females I have in my life that make me feel so damn good. 

<3

Lady Luck

I believe in karma. 

I always thought that if you do something bad, bad things will happen to you. 

A few weeks ago, I made a decision that brought me independence, but hurt some one very close to me. A part of me feels good knowing that I made a choice based off of honesty, but a part of me wonders if putting his happiness before mine, even if it meant I was lying, would have been the "right' thing to do. The damage is done now, and I guess I'll never know what I should have done. 

I've realized that in relationships, serious relationships anyway, somebody always has to end up hurting. 

Taylor Swift (yeah, I know, right?) says it best in her song "Breathe":

"People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out

Nothing we can say will save us from the fallout.."

So here is my current dilemma with this thing called karma. I broke this boy's heart; I am the bad person in this situation. I feel like I should be punished. This is not the first time I've hurt some one. It's never intentional, but it's just the way things seem to go for me. So why, if I am a repeat offender heartbreaker, shouldn't I be punished?

But I'm not being punished, not  at all. In fact, things have been going swimmingly for me lately. I have been catching up with old friends, resting, and generally just enjoying life. I'm happy, and overall, life is just been good. But why? Am I being rewarded for being honest? 

I'm scared that everything is going to change and my world will come crashing down on me.