I wonder what's going to happen...

..tonight/tomorrow. 

I got stood up last night (per usual) and was told I was going to have it "made it up to me". I wonder if it will actually happen. I already blogged about this in my last entry, but I just don't get why friends do this to each other. 

Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go to a Red Sox with a different friend, one I have a little more complicated history with, and because I haven't spoken to him in like two weeks, I wonder if he's even still taking me. 

It's not going to be a good week if I get bailed on twice in 48 hours. 

On another note, I'm doing some work on my computer right now and all I can smell is cigarette smoke and it's driving me crazy. I hate cigarettes so much. I've never smoked one, but I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that to themselves. They just smell so bad. 

Although, I do have to admit that the smell is actually growing on me. It must be from hanging around so many smokers lately. It seems like smoking has caught on again, like it's 1989 again or something. 

In case you haven't noticed, I'm totally just talking about nothing while I'm waiting for a friend to meet me for lunch. Hopefully she won't bail, too! Ha ha

those three small words

If "I love you" are the three small words women love to hear, then "if you want" are the three words women absolutely hate.

Nothing- seriously, nothing- is more infuriating then when a friend or boyfriend or invites you somewhere and follows it up with a "if you want". 

The thing is, when you invite us somewhere, we get excited. We think, "wow he wants to hang out with me, that's cool!" But then BOOM, we're hit with the "if you want" bomb,  which really translates into "if you have to."

I just don't understand why people do this; it's men, it's women, it's shitty people everywhere. Why invite a person somewhere if you don't really want them there? And, if you honestly don't have a preference, then just simply say something like, "Just let me know if you are coming by". 

So stupid. 

This isn't interesting at all

It's hard to not indulge in negative feelings when you're already down, so just bear with me. 

First of all, I'm suffering from wicked hormonal problems because, well, I'm a girl and once a month this happens to us. (I know that's probably TMI, but whatever, you can deal with it). 

Secondly, I am just so tired. But I can't sleep. Last night, I gave up a night out with friends to stay home and sleep in my biggish bed at home so I could get a lot of rest. But it didn't happen, and I can't figure out why. My body is exhausted physically and my mind is tired emotionally, so you would think I would just fall asleep. But after 2 shots of Nyquil and 2 natural herb sleeping pills later, I still found myself wide awake, staring at the damn TV.

It's 8 p.m. on a Friday night and I am soooo tired. Nothing sounds more appealing to me right then downing a nice vodka and cranberry, popping in a CSI DVD and going to sleep for a good twelve hours. I tried to nap after classes but the damn marching band kids practice on Friday afternoons so I could not. I am going out dancing tonight, at a gay club with my gay friend, and I honestly hope it's as fun as I'm anticipating. Life's been a little emotionally staggering lately and I could use a good picker-upper. 

Tomorrow night is MetalFest, and even though I was originally planning on going to the festivities for the entire day, I don't foresee that happening. I am going with a friend, who is so hot and cold to me; when we get along, we get along really good, but sometimes- most of the time, actually- he's just such a prick and I literally want to hit him. 

And then it will be Sunday, and I have to see a person I promised myself I'd never let myself see or speak to again. Ugh. FML?

3 Questions

I can sum it all up in three questions, really. 

I don't like to read into things too much, but unfortunately, I have this unstoppable tendency to overanalyze everything.

And so I've realized that all my emotions I've felt in the past four months can really be condensed into just three simple questions. So here is where I've been harboring all my wonders and whines, my thoughts and theories, my hopes and hauntings in these three simple questions. 

1. Where is this going?

I had to ask myself this in the beginning because I wasn't really sure what to expect. I liked not knowing, though. He was unpredictable and I always felt uneasy around him, but in a good way, though. Things were simple: I sort of liked it when we kissed, and sometimes I liked it when he called. Then days would go by and I wouldn't hear from him, and I liked that, too; I didn't know if I'd see him again, or when we'd talk. But I did know that I wanted it to happen. 

I wasn't even sure if I found him attractive. When I looked at him, my heart didn't beat faster, I didn't feel dizzy, I knew I barely liked him. But something kept me there, and deep inside me, I knew I wanted to venture into this place I wasn't really sure I should go. 

2. What's going on here?

Fast forward a while, and suddenly I was trapped. Days would go by without a word from him, and instead of liking the chase like I used to, I'd feel paranoid and panicky that it was over.And then sure enough, he would enter my life again as if nothing had happened, and I'd feel foolish for being worried 

Because at this point, I was sure he was attractive, and I loved when we kissed and I hated not talking to him. Suddenly, my heart beat faster when I was around him, and I felt dizzy just when I heard his name and I knew that I certainly did like him. . 

And then it happened again. He'd leave, and I could barely remember what he really looked like anymore; it had been weeks since I tasted his kiss. But still, he'd eventually call and then I'd sigh with relief, crawl back into his arms and be thankful that everything was alright- for now. 

3. What the hell happened?

Two weeks went by without a single word from him. The last thing I told him was pivotal, and I prepared myself to hear a hard truth. Instead, I got no response, which hit me even harder. I thought I'd be okay. I figured I'd use the age-old trick of out of sight, out of mind to get over him. 

But then I did see him, and I didn't expect it, and it nearly knocked me off my feet. My heart almost exploded and I felt dizzy I had to sit down, and I knew then and there that there was a chance I fell for his lines, and it call came crashing back. And he smiled at me and talked in his "everything's normal now" tone he has perfected, and I said nothing. 

And now, everything stopped- the dates, the kisses, the happiness, the calls, the texts, the jokes, the love that could have been- all just sort of faded away. 

I never knew where it came from. I didn't know what to do with it when it was here. And now, I have no idea where it went, which is the hardest thing of all to swallow.

Back from the dead

I haven't written a new blog in FOREVER- I apologize to all you fans out there. (Yes, all three of you.)

Today probably isn't the best day to write a new entry to be honest. It's a rainy Saturday, and I've been doing layout all day, which isn't terrible- but needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods.

Things have been going...well, they've been going lately. 

Tomorrow is Easter, and I have to go home to spend time with family. I love my family, and I do miss them, but I would rather just sleep in here in Lowell. I have a long research paper due on Monday (or Tuesday, if I am really incapable), so I would love to just stay here and get it done. 

Tonight, I'm going to a friend's show up in Manchester. I'm not looking forward to the drive up there, but going out will be a nice change of scenery. I totally got blown off last night, so a part of me thinks it will be nice to go out and have a few drinks with friends. Too bad the person who blew me off is best friends with the group I' m hanging with tonight.