I hope he's listening

My parents, my father in particular, are very religious. 

Since I was a tiny child, I was taught about God and his wondrous ways. I was told that it was okay to ask him for help when I needed it, and that he would love me, even if I sinned. I was told that talking to him didn't require an alter, and that he was always watching me. 

I don't have a very distinct belief on God. I say I believe in him, though sometimes I wonder if it's because I really do, or say I do because I feel bad letting my parents down. 

I'd say it's more the first. I do believe that some one is up there watching my life go by ,and sometimes, I wish he'd intervene. 

My emotions, for the fast few weeks in particular, have been on a roller-coaster. The ups are so ups, and the downs make me so down, and I've just been riding it out. 

But now, on this weekend that is jam-packed with work and stress, another situation has brought itself upon me that I can't avoid. 

I have an interview tomorrow for a job I want more than anything, and my best friend's brother is hospitalized, not even breathing by himself, and I'm just so nervous. 

I am praying and hoping and wishing for a happy ending. I am blindly putting my faith in powers beyond me that everything will work itself out, eventually. 

I just hope that he's listening.

Letdowns

This has probably been one of the most emotionally exhausting weeks of my life. 

All week I have been strung along- by a friend, by a guy, by my phone company- just to be let down in the end. 

FIRST OF ALL...My phone "broke" last week, so I had to wait 5 days- and pay $50- for a new battery. Just when it started working again, it died on me, and after 4 long hours bouncing between the 2 Verizon stores at the mall, I was told that- after switching phones and pleading to get my numbers/pictures transferred over- it was just my charger was broken. My phone and its original battery was fine, and the useless woman at Verizon had told me lies, saying that she didn't know when I would get my phone back, there were no chargers in the country (yeah, seriously), ect. Had she just asked from help from another employee, I could have been out there in like 10 minutes with a new phone. 

THEN...a friend of mine told me he wanted me to come check out his friend's band because "i was a good person to know in the local music scene". I was under the impression my company was wanted and that I wouldn't have to pay. Needless to say, I drive the hour to Cambridge just to discover that he just needed to sell tickets. He was there with his group of friends and didn't really hang out with us (my friend and I) at all. 

ALL THE WHILE....this is happening, a good friend of mine just stopped talking to me. Just stopped. The last time I spoke with him was Thursday night, and I don't care how many people say that's not a big deal, it's weird to go from speaking with some one every day to simply nothing. I sent him one text and gave him one call, both unanswered. Not only do I feel mad for being stood up, I feel embarrassed for putting myself out there like that. I literally don't even know what to think. How can you just stop talking to some one? The worst part of it is I didn't see it coming at all. We (this friend and me) had this conversation before. He promised me that if he wasn't feeling it anymore, he would be up front about it and not just cut off communication. I just don't see why it is so hard to call some one- or text, or use the wonderful world of technology- to talk to some one. Just to say "Hey, I'm alive" or "Hey, have a nice life". 

This kid was a friend of mine, and now I don't even know when I'll ever see him again. How does something like this even happen?

If this is karma working its magic, I can't help but wonder what the hell I did to be treated this way. 

Burn

"Burn"

by Ray LaMontagne

Oh mama don't walk away
I'm a goddam sore loser
I ain't too proud to stay
But I'm still thinking 'bout you
And I'm so lonesome without you
And I can't get you out of my mind
Oh mama don't leave me alone
with my soul sat down so tight it's like a stone cold tomb
Ain't it clear when I'm near you
I'm just dying to hear you
Calling my name one more time
Oh so don't pay no mind
To my watering eyes
Must be something in the air
That I'm breathing
Yes'n I try to ignore
All this blood on the floor
It's just this heart on my sleeve that's a bleeding
Oh mama don't walk away
You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain
Saying the love that we had
was just selfish and sad
To see you now with him
is just making me mad
Oh so kiss him again
just to prove to me that you can
an I will stand here
and burn in my skin
Yes I will stand here
and burn in my skin

All Uphill From Here

You know what the greatest thing about feeling down is?

Knowing that things can only get better from there on out & everything will work itself out in the end. =)

Phone No More

I have been officially without a phone for 12 hours now, but it might as well be 10 days. 

After seeing the new Friday the 13th movie last night, (yeah I know, perfect timing, right?), I woke up- alone- to discover that it was completely dead. 

Needless to say, it was kind of a sleepless night. I don't know if it was the questionable decision I made yesterday or the scary movie (I'm really bad at watching those, seriously), but I could not sleep. When I finally fell into a deep sleep at 4 a.m., I woke up an hour later to find my phone off. Then I started getting nervous, thinking that if something awful happened I would have no way to contact anybody. So I just laid in my bed, trying not to fall back asleep in fear that I would stop breathing or wake up in the bottom of a lake or something ridiculous. When I finally started dozing off, I hoped that seeing my phone dead was just a groggy misperception due to my lack of sleep.

But sure enough, when my conscience reemerged at 9:30, my little phone was still dead. 

I can't decide what pisses me off most: the fact that my phone is not that fancy but still broke easily, or that it's new and broke easily. Or the fact that I waited 68 minutes at the desk just for the Verizon woman to inform me that there were no extra batteries to bring my phone back to life. In fact, there were no batteries in Boston, Cambridge, Burlington, Nashua, Salem, or Pelham; virtually any store remotely close to me. 

In the end, I had to walk out of the mall slightly annoyed and deeply concerned with my lack of telephone. I have to wait for the company to mail me a battery, which could take days. 

Needless to say, I feel so lost without the ability to talk to people whenever I want. 

Get Out Alive

With all that's been going on in my life lately, there's only one question I keep asking myself: 

What the hell is going on?

I still have one more night to go on my three-day weekend, but so far, it's been a good one. I spent Friday night partying with some of my favorite UML people, and the night was amazing. There were a few disappointing surprises to the night, but overall a good time. 

I spent Valentine's Day going to the UML hockey game (we tied B.C. 4-4), had dinner (sushi!) with Lynchie and the Danish foreign exchange student, and had a couple beers at the Worthen to end the night. 

Though things on the outside are going good for me, on the inside, I don't feel so lucky. I just can't figure out what's going on in anybody's brains. Especially mine. 

For one, I keep seeing my "ex" around, for one, and it feels so awkward. I have to put the word ex in quotations because even though we've been broken up for a while, it doesn't feel right calling him an ex. Every time I see him, he gives me these looks like he doesn't want to look at me or see me again, which I could kind of understand if he didn't, but he's not mean about it, so I can't really tell. There are so many things I want- and need- to tell him, but I know I never will. 

As for my future, I have no idea what's going on in my romantic life. There are so many problems, so many fears, so many issues I need to work out before I move on, and I don't even know what to label myself now. Am I single or am I just unavailable? It amazes me that some one that can do so well in some aspects in life- school, friendships, family relationships- can't even figure out what to label herself at the bar.

In another sticky situation across town, a former relationship I envied is now under some major construction. A secret that probably shouldn't have gotten out did, and I am terrified, that under the somewhat comical circumstances, I am indirectly responsible. A love triangle is forming between people I really care about, and I just want it to work out right-meaning I don't want anyone getting hurt.

In another case of confusion, my best friend got a phone call from a man of her past that has her thinking, too. She- and I- can't help but wonder what drove him to call her after so many months of not speaking. If he called her, obviously she was on his mind, and if he's thinking about her, then it should be simple. But it never, ever is. 

I need to repeat that again: it never, ever, is.  

How do I make amends with my former love life, and how do I uncover what's actually going on in my current one? Can the tangled truth come out without anyone else getting hurt? 

In the end, all I want is for everyone's heart to be in tact. 

I want us all to just get out of this alive.

I wish that money really did grow off of trees...

...and I wish I had one of those trees in my backyard.

I hate being so broke all the time. 

I literally am living dollar-to-dollar, and everyone around me is swimming in money it seems- from their jobs, from their parents, from their tax returns. It's no one's fault but my own that I am so broke. 

I haven't had a legitimate job since 2007. (That's SO sad to say out loud). 

The summer of 2007, I worked three jobs and saved up a ton of money- enough to get me through the fall. I didn't have a car at school, and I was taking 6 classes at one point, so time and travel to have a job were limited. Then 2008 rolled around and I couldn't get a job for the summer because I was doing an unpaid internship. Come Fall 2008, school was once again drowning me and I didn't have time to pick one up.  Now, its 2009 and I am READY and DYING for a freaking job. Anything will do at this point. But of course, with the economy the way it is  (and I know I do not need to go into detail about this), no one is hiring. Even restaurants and retail jobs, my "fallback" jobs, won't hire because they are all CLOSING. 

It's really ridiculous. 

But anyways, the point of this blog is this: I don't have any money to go out and do fun stuff, which may be why things seem so crappy all the time. This weekend, I am going out to the bar with some newspaper friends for a much-needed fun night together. Saturday, Valentine's Day, I got kind of asked out on a date that I am kind of not wanting to go on, so I plan on heading out with another group of friends. The thing is, I don't even think I can afford both. It's not fun. 

My birthday is coming up in March, and my friends and I wanted to go back to Canada for the weekend like we did last year. I had an amazing birthday last year and would LOVE to repeat the experience, but it's going to cost a whopping $200.00 just for ONE weekend. That is so much money, seriously. The problem is, the deal we are getting this time is SO good, and we would be driving up ourselves, so we wouldn't have to suffer through throwing up on the bus ride again. (That's a fun story, let me tell you). Here's another problem: I REALLY want a new tattoo. A big, sexy one on my forearm that I know is going to be pretty pricey. 

There's no way I can afford both my trip and tattoo without help from my friends and family, and asking either them for more help than they already give me is not even an option.

Now I just need to decide, what's more important: a fun Spring break/birthday weekend I probably won't forget or a tattoo I'll have forever. 

The Non-Gay Gay Friend

I am very, very fortunate to have a plethora of what most of us call the Non-Gay Gay Friend. 

My NGGFs are amazing people. Now, I don't mean to stereotype, but some of my actual gay friends seem to concentrate too much on appearance, whereas my NGGFs do not. Another plus? Unlike my gay friends, these guys are attracted to women (obviously) so they really do know how green the grass is on the other side. They give sex tips and share embarrassing stories, they ask me for advice, and overall help me understand the seemingly complex but actually simply mindset of men.

These collection of boys- who are all very, very different people- each play a very distinct role in my happiness and life. 

First and foremost, "PJ" has been one of my best friends since we were 14. Today, after running ridiculous errands and listening to ridiculous music in my car, we had this conversation about girls, guys and dating, and he said to me, "if that happened, I would tell ALL my guy friends, including you." This kind of statement is just what I would expect from him; today I asked him to seriously check me out and give his opinion of me and my appearance as a complete stranger, and he physically couldn't even judge me. PJ has been there through EVERY single relationship and hookup I've EVER been in, and so when I need advice, no one can give it to me as good and as honest as him. 

My friend Greg is second-in-command when it comes to my NGGFs. Greg is the most beautiful person I've ever met, and every day I am grateful that I met him. It would take me all night to convey just how much he means to me, and it probably wouldn't even still wouldn't even make sense to you. Our friendship is intense but completely non-sexual, and our platonic passion really couldn't be copied by anyone else. In the time I've known him, he has given me new outlooks on life, and I have helped him see the female perspective on things. He is the first boy I want to call when something great or awful happens in my romantic life, and he reciprocates that feeling as well. Our schedules are always conflicting and busy; we both can't go anywhere without seeing some one we know, which is proof of our hectic lives.  Needless to say, I have a conversation date with him tomorrow night that I am ecstatic for. 

Then there's Jam and Hot Chocolate Man, my newest best boy buds. These two treat me so right and so wrong at the same time. In our shared office, the three of us, along with other friends, talk about the rudest and crudest things of men, women and sex. Seriously, the things we share really just aren't okay, even by my standards. But the both of them are always there with open ears to hear me gush about my newest rack of romantic problems. The other night, on a detective-esque romantic adventure, one of them literally looked out for me, making sure by the end of the night, I wouldn't end up getting hurt. And I appreciated it, as Extreme says, more than words. 

I have SO many more NGGFs to name- Tsui, Asshole, Humpty Dumpty, Ken Doll, Cumby, Squishy, Grom, Sulky, Meathead- the list goes on and on.

But it's getting semi-late and I have homework to do. 

Plus, I have romantic woes on the mind that I'm probably going to have to vent to one of the fabulous men I just mentioned. 

Thank god for them, too: after talking to them, the big, scary world of guys, sex and dating never seems so scary after all. 

Just breathe

One of the many, many things my mom has taught me over the years is to never go to bed angry. 

I have a lot of trouble sleeping as it is, so when I feel angry or upset at somebody, I really just can't go to bed mad at them. 

Right now, I'm not mad at anybody in particular, but looking back on my last few posts, I realized how emo I've been sounding. 

I'm not unhappy or depressed about my life, and I think I need to clear up that message right now. 

Honestly, I wish I had a job. I have time now to breathe, and I have time to actually commit to something other than school and the newspaper, so really it would be a win/win situation. I could make some spending money, get back in the job business, and hopefully meet some awesome people on the way. 

Things will work out for me. I just know it.

Get Lost

I am one of those people who can confidently say that they can get lost in music. 

Although my head and soul are sometimes inside a song, I sometimes wish I could just dissolve into whatever music I am listening to and disappear. 

Today, I felt literally helpless.

 I was so tired I couldn't even move, too drained to cry, too empty to really feel anything at all. So I put on some music, laid in my bed and just listened, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about my life. 

I kept wishing I would close my eyes and fall asleep, because I feel like that's the closest I'll ever get to actually drifting off into music. 

I think I might be depressed.

Okay, so I'm not actually depressed. 

But somethings have not been going the way I would like them to lately.

Last semester, I was crazy busy with my classes and the Connector and my boyfriend. This semester, I have a lot more free time to myself, and while it is absolutely amazing to just relax and not be stressed out to the point of tears, (I never actually cried, though I wanted to), all this free time is making me kind of sad. 

For one, I'm always tired. Last night I only got like 5 hours of sleep, so after breakfast I took a little much-needed power nap, but I am still exhausted. I don't want to, but I know that once I get out of classes today, I am going to want to come home and get in my bed. 

I've been applying for jobs left and right, hoping to get any small, part-time job- ANYTHING- to give me a few bucks a week. I hate being so broke, it makes me sad. So I sleep so I don't think about how sad and broke I am. 

Fortunately, my beautiful friends have been keeping my mind entertained throughout the week and weekend with fun stuff stuff to. Like this weekend. I have so many fun plans this weekend- 3 shows, bar hopping, Winterfest, movies, parties- I can't wait for it all.

Hopefully the mixture of alcohol and friends will lift my mood. Either that, or I'll be extra-extra tired and sleep my weekend away. =(

i want a nap...

...but instead, I am going to write an overdue entry here. (Lynchie, if you are reading this, you should know I am only writing this so you have something to read while you're at work!)

This weekend was very, very fun. Aside from feeling like death from vomiting A LOT, I had a nice weekend full of parties and friends, which is my main goal for the semester. 

It sounds really awful, but I headed into 2009 with one goal: to have as much fun as possible, preferably with alcohol. Last year, the ladies of 413 partied hard. I can't remember one sober weekend we had all year, and last semester, the parties just sort of ended. Free time got smaller, work loads got heavier, and life just got quieter. This semester, though, I am only taking 4 classes, one of which only meets once a week, so if I can actually handle some time management skills, my goal might be carried out successfully. 

I am also feeling very happy about a situation I was struggling with this weekend. I was very worried about some one, somewhere that I just shouldn't have been. Sometimes, I get ahead of myself and all of the time I over-think things, and I know that in my heart, the whole thing was silly to be upset about. I have a hard time not worrying about people I care about, and an even harder time trusting people, but I really just need to learn to let go. After all, I am no one's girlfriend or mother, so I have no entitlement over what any of my friends do in their lives, no matter how close we are. 

I am some one who is very set in her ways. There are certain things I just don't do, and lately I'm finding myself subconsciously trying to change my ways to adapt to other people, and it was bothering me because, really, I know that no one is worth changing yourself for. I know that sometimes you can't help it; sometimes it just seems easier putting down your guard to compromise with some one else. But in the end, we all, including and especially myself, need to remember, that special people are simply in our lives; they should never, ever become our lives. 

That being said, I know I was (and probably will be in the future) acting just like a silly girl. But really, that's all I know how to be: a silly girl with silly problems that she vents on a silly blog.