Intervention

Intervention is like the saddest show ever. 

I never really have time to just sit back and really watch TV when I'm at school, but I came back to my house in Cambridge tonight, curled up on the couch with my sister and some chinese food, and indulged in some Intervention time. (After I finished my 3+ hours of stupid homework I had to do, of course). 

The show gets to me every time. It's just so real. I'm sure this isn't very blog-friendly, but I have an aunt who I love very much, and she has become really dependent on prescription drugs in the past two years. After my grandmother died, April 8th 2007 (it's funny I still remember that date), her problem escalated, and she's not even a real person anymore. She doesn't leave her house; she hasn't been to work (she works at a hospital, nonetheless) for over 4 months. 

My mother, who was her best friend her whole life, doesn't talk to her anymore; they had a falling out concerning my grandmother after her death, when everyone's emotions were still very fragile. The thing that kills me about this is that I know that my grandmother is looking down from heaven and feeling sad about the situation. My aunt (who is not my blood relative, my grandmother did raise her) has no family but us; she has one son who doesn't talk to her anymore and her brothers are dying away one by one. She has no one and no one in my family but my sister can even talk to her; she won't really let anyone in. 

It's hard because I am away at school most of the time so I never really invest any time in seeing her, either. Last time I did, though, she was a size 6- before that, the last time I saw her she was a 22! How does anyone lose over 150 pounds in less than a year? It's horrifying. 

My sister and I are construing a plan to hold an intervention with her. It probably sounds corny and stupid, but we are hoping to get most of our family in one room with her and ask her to get some help. 

I talked to my dad about it, and he told me that if she doesn't kick her addiction soon, he can guarantee she won't be alive by Christmas. That thought terrifies me.

One Hour

I've got one hour to go. 

At 8 I'm making a change (hopefully) that will make life a little better. (Hopefully). 

Wish me luck!

59 minutes to go. 

5 Minute post

I've only got about 5 minutes to write this post, but since I've been severely slacking this week, I thought I'd give it a shot.

In a few minutes I'm leaving for the Hockey East finals tournament- my beloved hockey team made the cut! I'm so proud of my Riverhawk boys. We deserve it.

We were down to the final 4 with Northeastern, BU, BC... all $40,00+ schools. And then little ole UMass Lowell just jumped in there and now it's down to us and BU.

I'm so excited for the game- last night was such a thrill, and I hope to do it once again tonight.

After the game last night, I broughy my best friend from home to a party. This group of friends- my Drive-By/Summoned friends (they are called that because those are the bands they are a part of), are very outrageous people. And I love them so much. But my friend from home, they aren't really her people. But fortunately, there are things like drugs and alcohol that make everybody friends, so all in all, it wasn't a horrible night.

I love nights like last night, though, because being the only sober person in the house, I got to hear some pretty crazy confessions. Friends, both new and old, were telling me things I would have never guessed in a million years, and some things were talked about and happened that probably shouldn't have (none of which involving me of course), but I can't help but secretly enjoy it. I love that life is so surprising sometimes, and I love the fact that while things can sometimes seem so miserable, there really is always a silver lining.

Just F.Y.I

I didn't forget about my blog. 

It just hurts too much to write about what I'm thinking. 

I'll try again tomorrow.

Sattaday Night

It's 10 p.m. on a Saturday night, and I am completely exhausted. Too bad the night hasn't begun yet.

My brother, who DJs parties for money from time-to-time, is working a party at the local Irish bar, Paddys. The party is a big ol'e St. Patricks Day celebration, probably full of fat, ginger-haired drunks, and I am definitely stopping by there soon. I got invited to a Lesley party by some old friends that I may check out, too, but honestly, I am so tired I don't think I'd make it. 

Thursday night, as I hoped/expected, was a  complete shit show. In a a great way. But, like most shit shows, while the evening faded to morning, I was making friends with the bathroom floor in my dorm. I have never felt that hungover. I couldn't keep anything down until 4 pm the next day, and got literally no sleep. Most people, when they are drunk either pass out and puke the next morning, or puke when they are drunk and then pass out. Neither of those ever happens to me; I puke while I'm still drunk and get no sleep because I'm so sick, and then I just keep throwing up until it's like noon the next day. I have a very sensitive stomach as it is- I'm starting to wonder if I'm allergic to alcohol. And, if I am allergic, will I stop drinking?

Needless to say, spring break started off with a fantastic bang.  I only hope things go up from here. Although, I have to admit, right now, things aren't looking too promising. The person I was supposed to spend the night with is M.I.A, and I'm too lazy to go to the party in Allston I am supposed to be at. 

I'm hoping that things will look up tomorrow. =)

Changes

The longer you know some one, it seems the more complicated that relationship gets. 

 

There are a handful of people in my life right now that I would love nothing more than just to cut all ties with. I have spend months, even years, trying to deal with what I see as flaws in these individuals, and it is honestly just exhausting. 

I feel like, with this group of people specifically, I continue to invest time and effort and energy and emotion into making our friendships work, and in the end, I know I will be dealing with the same problem in just a few short days. 

This is where I feel torn, though. I am not some one who can easily just cut some one out of their life. I agonize over every single decision I make. Sometimes I curse myself for not getting the right flavor of coffee. Legit. So the idea of just cutting communication off with some one is just ridiculous to me- it won't happen. 

I feel sad, though, because obviously these people continue to cross my mind, and life path for that matter, so there must be something inside of them I like. Why else would I continue to try and try and try to make things work if I don't really care?

I know that you should love some one for who they are: nobody should ever change themselves just to please another person. But there are instances, I feel, that change is not only a good thing, but a necessary thing.

These people I am talking about- they act immature over and over, and are extremely selfish. They don't say what they really want to say, and never call when they promise to. They put temporary relationships ahead of their friendships, and overall just make poor decisions. (To name a few.)

These are not good qualities. And not that I'm above them or anything; I am just as guilty as anyone of making poor decisions time to time. But when these flaws start to outweigh the good qualities in my "friends", I really have to question if salvaging the friendship is really worth the effort. 

I mean, seriously; how much repetitive drama can one person really handle?

You Know What's Really Sad?

I'd rather sit here and update a stupid blog about nothing than actually create writing worth reading. 

I have creative writing class in about an hour, and I am supposed to hand in 5-7 "sessions" of writing. One session constitutes about an hour of writing, and an hour of writing consists of about a page. So, I think I am supposed to hand in roughly 7 pages of writing. Want to guess how many I have?

If you guessed one, you'd be wrong. 

I literally have not written anything (except this blog and a couple of articles) since last week. I need my Muse to come help me out, but until then, I'm on my own. 

I keep writing scenes and stories that have potential, but I get bored. 

I know that I have some form of A.D.D- there's no doubt about that. I just never thought I would have creative A.D.D. Usually writing is what keeps me sane. I never say the right things, but for some reason, when I get to write words down, they often say exactly what I want them to. 

Not lately, though; especially not for this class. I'm so stuck. 

And now I have less than 40 minutes to draft something to hand in!

Manic

I know I'm exaggerating right now, but sometimes I wonder if I've got the characteristics of a manic/depressant. 

My mom is a psychological nurse, and she often describes the symptoms of her emotionally unstable patients, and though I am certainly not that bad, sometimes I wonder if she's considered injecting me with mood stabilizers. 

Of course, I am dramatizing my emotional self; I am a girl, after all, which means that I am completely justified feeling high off life one minute, and hate the world. 

Today, I found out I got the job I've been freaking out about for my last few blogs.  This summer, I will be one of the many Orientation Leaders for UMass Lowell, a job that I know is going to be emotional, stressful, and at times, miserable. I know that when its 100 degrees out and I am eating nasty Aramark food for dinner yet again, I'll momentarily reconsider my life choices. But I also know that it will be a really rewarding, unforgettable experience, and honestly I am ready for the challenge. And perhaps the best part? My best friend is going to be along for the ride with me, which makes me that much more excited for summer.

And because summer is still a few months away, I've got so much to look forward to, now. The Connector hockey game Friday night. (My dad, grandfather, uncles and brother are all coming up for the game). Then the last hockey game Saturday night, followed by an open skate with the hockey team. Next week, my birthday dinner/bar outing. Following that is spring break; for that week, I will indulge on sleep and family and catching up with friends. I'm also going to see Motley Crue (!), a Queen tribute band and meeting the guitarist of Black Flag (Greg Ginn) on my birthday. Not to mention I can (hopefully!) get the outline done for my new tattoo once I get back from break. In April, I'm going to see my Red Sox with my good friend  and then am going to New York with my Connector crew. Before I know it, Spring Carnival will be here, and the WUML vs. Connector kickball, and then finals, and SUMMER!

Needless to say, I am thankful for lots of things in my life right now. 

<3

Panic Room

I wish I had a panic room. Not the kind of room that I could lock myself in to escape robbers, though, but one I could use to lock escape problems. 

Last night, in the darkness of my room, I had a slight panic attack. I started thinking about myself, and my life, and I suddenly lost it. 

To start, my best friend's brother hasn't made much progress beyond breathing on his own. I came home today to see her and when I got home, she informed me she was going back to Seattle, where she's living now. It's not a problem, really; it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to spend some time with her anyway, I just feel bad I missed the chance seeing my best friend. 

I have been thinking about this Orientation Leader job I applied for. Word on the street is they are picking less than 20 applicants, and even though I was semi-confident at first, I literally am dying thinking about if I don't get it.

I'm not one of those people who likes the unexpected; I like knowing what comes next. Last summer, my best friend (not the one I mentioned above, my other bff) lived less than 20 minutes away, and I spent the majority of the summer at my boyfriend's house. If what I am dreading in my head actually does happen, I will not only be without a boyfriend for the summer, but more importantly, a best friend. Nothing in the world scares me more than  living more than a short drive away from her. You just can't go from sharing a room with some one to not even sharing the same county; it's impossible. 

I'm just so tired of feeling unhappy and nervous. I'm panicking about stuff I shouldn't be worrying about, and it's driving me crazy!

I'm getting sick!!!

And I don't like it. 

I keep sneezing like I have allergies and I am just so exhausted. 

I wish that after layout, I could take a nap and just go to bed, but unfortunately I have lots of homework to do. 

I don't want to jinx it, but I am really hoping/expecting a snow day tomorrow. I really need an unspecified amount of time to just rest, write and finish up some work, and I think tomorrow would be the perfect time for that.