I don't like to read into things too much, but unfortunately, I have this unstoppable tendency to overanalyze everything.
And so I've realized that all my emotions I've felt in the past four months can really be condensed into just three simple questions. So here is where I've been harboring all my wonders and whines, my thoughts and theories, my hopes and hauntings in these three simple questions.
1. Where is this going?
I had to ask myself this in the beginning because I wasn't really sure what to expect. I liked not knowing, though. He was unpredictable and I always felt uneasy around him, but in a good way, though. Things were simple: I sort of liked it when we kissed, and sometimes I liked it when he called. Then days would go by and I wouldn't hear from him, and I liked that, too; I didn't know if I'd see him again, or when we'd talk. But I did know that I wanted it to happen.
I wasn't even sure if I found him attractive. When I looked at him, my heart didn't beat faster, I didn't feel dizzy, I knew I barely liked him. But something kept me there, and deep inside me, I knew I wanted to venture into this place I wasn't really sure I should go.
2. What's going on here?
Fast forward a while, and suddenly I was trapped. Days would go by without a word from him, and instead of liking the chase like I used to, I'd feel paranoid and panicky that it was over.And then sure enough, he would enter my life again as if nothing had happened, and I'd feel foolish for being worried
Because at this point, I was sure he was attractive, and I loved when we kissed and I hated not talking to him. Suddenly, my heart beat faster when I was around him, and I felt dizzy just when I heard his name and I knew that I certainly did like him. .
And then it happened again. He'd leave, and I could barely remember what he really looked like anymore; it had been weeks since I tasted his kiss. But still, he'd eventually call and then I'd sigh with relief, crawl back into his arms and be thankful that everything was alright- for now.
3. What the hell happened?
Two weeks went by without a single word from him. The last thing I told him was pivotal, and I prepared myself to hear a hard truth. Instead, I got no response, which hit me even harder. I thought I'd be okay. I figured I'd use the age-old trick of out of sight, out of mind to get over him.
But then I did see him, and I didn't expect it, and it nearly knocked me off my feet. My heart almost exploded and I felt dizzy I had to sit down, and I knew then and there that there was a chance I fell for his lines, and it call came crashing back. And he smiled at me and talked in his "everything's normal now" tone he has perfected, and I said nothing.
And now, everything stopped- the dates, the kisses, the happiness, the calls, the texts, the jokes, the love that could have been- all just sort of faded away.
I never knew where it came from. I didn't know what to do with it when it was here. And now, I have no idea where it went, which is the hardest thing of all to swallow.
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